Dear Mallary,
I’m not sure when you decided that you weren’t going to have
any children, but when you tell me that you aren’t going to, I tell you that it’s
okay. Though, I’m hoping you’ll change
your mind of course, because I want me some grand babies! Also, you are really great with Everett
already as a five year old! We call you
the baby whisperer.
Since I’ve had Everett, I’ve been thinking a lot about the
whole pregnancy and labor and recovery process.
As I recovered in the hospital, I thought about some of the things or
questions I would have liked to ask my mom, but she isn’t around to ask… There
are questions I asked her when I was pregnant with you and Trevan, but she
couldn’t remember. So, just in case I’m
not around when you are having your babies, and while it’s still fresh in my
memory, I’m going to try and answer any questions that I would have asked my
mother.
Having a baby is very glamorous. Okay, just kidding. It’s about the least glamorous thing you’ll
ever do. (Trust me, after about 20 people have seen your netherlands in a delivery room, or your bum hanging out the back of a delivery gown, or your Dr. and nurse watching you push in a weird position with your bum in the air... oh my word, I've never felt less sexy than in that very moment. but you really could care less in that moment as well...) I know it looks so fun when you
see the cute new mom with her fun new stroller with her cute newborn in it, and
a cute diaper bag hanging over her shoulder.
Everything seems so cute and perfect.
It is cute, but don’t be fooled.
A few months ago, within arm’s reach from her toilet you would find a
variety of things like, Witch Hazel pads, Dermaplast, Ice pack pads the size of
California, Squeeze Water bottle rinser thingy, maxi pads for the weeks (please
note the plurality of that last word) of bleeding, and hemorrhoid wipes and
cream. Not to mention the pain killers and
stool softeners that she would be taking regularly. Now, I’m not sure about a C-section, so that
would be a different story. However, you
may not need all of those things I mentioned above… but you may…
Trust me; using any of the above mentioned products will not make you
feel very glamorous. The leaking, the
hormones, the night sweats (which I didn’t have but I’ve heard of women
having), and hair loss afterwards will not help you feel glamorous either. Or having your sister watch you walk like an
injured penguin to and from the bathroom in your hospital room while you are
recovering and laugh while you do it reminds you of how glamorous you look… It’s
okay, I was laughing with her.
A few things...
Weight Gain: I
started at all different weights with all four of you, gained a different
amount of weight with all four of you and still all my babies were about the
same size. So, obviously only gaining 20
pounds with Everett did not guarantee me a smaller baby compared to the almost
60 pounds I gained with Jonah.
Unfortunately, it is in your genes, because you were a big baby the
chances of you having larger birth weight babies is high… Good luck with that. And, no.
I did not have gestational diabetes with any of them. I get that question a lot, so just in case
you were thinking it… I ended up about the same weight at the end of all of my
pregnancies despite the differences in my weight gain. The less you gain the less you have to lose
after the baby… Just keep that in
mind. You really aren’t eating for
two. I mean you are, but the extra
calories you need to make up for that could be a handful of M&M’s.
Morning Sickness:
Didn’t have it with Trevan, but had it with every other baby. By the way, it was ALL THE TIME
sickness. I wish it had only been in the
mornings. It really is miserable. At the beginning of my pregnancies I just
felt wiped out and tired. When I was
sick on top of that, I just felt like I wanted to throw up ALL THE TIME. Never did, but just felt like I would. It went away at about 16 weeks. The things that helped me with it sometimes were
jello, gum, suckers, pudding, and yogurt.
With one pregnancy, milk made me feel better, with you, the thought of
drinking milk made me want to vomit.
Stretch Marks: Your
grandma didn’t have them. I however,
have a road atlas of the United States on my midsection. The fourth time around I got less than 10 new
ones to add to my collection. I thought
after so many babies you just don’t get any new stretch marks… I was wrong.
I don’t think lotions work, but if you want to try them – stick to the
ones that are 100% shea butter or 100% cocoa butter, etc. How are lotions or creams that are watered
down with WATER going to prevent stretch marks?
Seriously, that stuff is such a racket.
Cravings: I wouldn’t
say I had cravings necessarily… With my
pregnancy with Trevan I was easily persuaded by commercials or billboards for
restaurants. Your dad LOVED it. The only thing I would say I craved with him
were peaches. I would eat like 3 or 4
peaches for breakfast every morning… and then some again for diner or a snack. Maybe that’s why Trevan wouldn’t eat peaches
for YEARS! I couldn’t drink milk at the
beginning of my pregnancy with you, it just seemed gross. I don’t remember anything with Jonah. With Everett, at the beginning of my
pregnancy I wanted hot dogs, and meaty spaghetti; all the time! Also, with Everett I wanted French fries, and
I had stopped eating French fries before that, so that was kind of a big deal. Now,
I’m back to not liking French fries again.
Also, when I was pregnant was the
only time I would eat cold cereal.
Exercising: I stopped
after I knew I was pregnant with Trevan.
I couldn’t when I was pregnant with you because I had placenta
previa. With Jonah, I exercised a long
time (that’s why I couldn’t believe I gained 60 pounds! ). With Everett I exercised until about 6 months
or until I couldn’t spin anymore. I
tried water aerobics and swimming after that for a while, but because you feel
so much lighter under water I was working my body harder than I could
tell. I had no core to be doing some of
the things I was doing and it took its toll on my body.
Weird Body Things:
Acid reflux – had it towards the end with most of my pregnancies. Never had to use Tums with Everett though, his
wasn’t as bad. Potty talk - I had to pee
at the beginning of my pregnancy with Trevan ALL THE TIME. Just at the beginning. I read that it was hormones. After that I really didn’t have to pee that
much. Just at the end I would get up
once a night. But, I’m a camel. I’ve read to lean over when you use the
bathroom to make sure you are really emptying your bladder to make you not go
as often? My chest - Oh my word, did my boobs hurt. I think, that's how I knew I was pregnant with him and you. By the time Jonah and Everett came around I guess they were already so stretched out they didn't have any original tissue left to hurt... They sure were tender and got pretty big... Swelling – I didn’t swell;
only when I traveled, specifically on plane.
It went away after a day. Acne –
I think with my pregnancy with Jonah I got acne, which I did not appreciate at
all. SI pain – so bad with Mallary and
Jonah, and just a little bit with Everett.
Leg cramps – These are just crazy.
You just have to learn not to stretch your legs like you normally do
when you are sleeping in bed. You learn
in a semi-sleep state when a leg cramp is coming and you flex your leg to keep
it from full on cramping.
Contractions: I walk
around the last few months of my pregnancies with contractions. Like, stop walking in the middle of the store
kind of contractions. People were like,
oh yeah, Braxton Hicks… Sure, if those are supposed to come every 5 -10 minutes
on a regular basis. Ummm, no. Basically, if my body could dilate on it’s
own my babies would come early.
Sleeping: I love
sleeping on my belly, and then when you are pregnant you get to a point where
you can’t do it anymore. I had to sleep
with pillows all around me, or half lean on your dad while I slept. Towards the very end, it gets a little harder. With Trevan, I remember going to work and
mentioning to my boss, that I just cried at the thought of even going to bed,
like, what’s the point when I won’t sleep.
She said that once you get to that point you only have a week left of
being pregnant. It ended up being
true!!! It is pretty funny how I
literally had to roll out of bed in the mornings.
Even though I talk of this stuff like it’s not glamorous, I
loved being pregnant. I even loved
shopping for and wearing maternity clothes!
I loved feeling you all move inside me.
We loved how you all would interact with us even inside the womb. Even with how ginormous I was with all of you,
being pregnant makes you feel really beautiful sometimes. I mean, I like my hair, but when I’m pregnant
it is even better! I really did enjoy
being pregnant for the most part. It really is amazing, and I’m extremely grateful
to have had experienced it.
Labor: I know what
you will be thinking, because most women wonder this. “Will I know when I’m in labor? How will I know? What does it feel like?” It for real feels like your really, really bad
menstrual cramps. For real. Trevan’s labor was text book. Like, exactly what you read about, and it all
happened in that order. I just remember
thinking as his labor was progressing, “Oh, yeah, I read about that too. Wow, it really is just like what I read.” Now, his delivery was another story. But, I’m glad I was able to experience labor
that one time so I know what it’s like since I was induced all the other times.
Water breaking: With
Trevan, it broke all on it’s own shortly after arriving at the hospital. With you, they broke my water in the hospital
and IT HURT LIKE CRAZY! When they broke
my water with Jonah it was totally pain free.
With Everett, it was just uncomfortable.
I always heard about people getting their water broken, but no one had
mentioned it was painful. Then after
talking to them afterwards they said it wasn’t.
So, I’ve figured it out. It only
hurt when I wasn’t already dilated or had softened any. Oh my word… when they did that when I was in
labor with you…. Yikes!
Home Births: I think
it’s awesome that people can do this and everyone is fine. It really is beautiful. But, there are gagillions of horrible stories
out there when these don’t go so well…
You can do whatever you want, but just remember all of my babies could
have died had I given birth at home. If
you are going to do this… maybe wait until your second baby to try please? See how that first delivery goes first, that
would make me feel better. And, if you
are going to do it – educate yourself thoroughly about both sides. Talk to some labor and delivery nurses about
women they’ve seen that have started out at home giving birth and then have to
be rushed to the hospital and what has happened in those cases. Educate yourself and everything to make you
more prepared if you are going to do a home birth. Just
make sure you are educated about whatever your decision is anyway. Giving birth at home doesn’t make you a
mightier woman/better mother than another woman who chooses to give birth at a
hospital. Giving birth at a hospital or
having a C-section doesn’t make your birth experience any less meaningful or
your bond any less with your baby. I don’t
care what those people say. Do what you
want and don’t feel pressured to follow whatever the current trends are, etc.
Inductions: You come
from a family of women whose bodies need to be induced and/or handle inductions
very well. However, you might not be
like that. I have called many a women’s
c-sections ahead of time when I heard they were going to be induced. Don’t get induced just because it’s
uncomfortable and you want that baby out of there. Let your body show some signs of being ready.
Your C-section risk goes way up when you don’t have any signs of labor when you
are induced. Like I said, I’ve called it
on many, many occasions. Even though my
water broke with Trevan a week early on its own, they still had to give me
Pitocin in the hospital because my body needed help dilating. I know that if my body could dilate by itself
all of you would have come super early all on your own! However, I need that extra something. With Jonah, I didn’t need Pitocin, but they
checked me in the hospital the night before my scheduled induction and stuck a
pill thing up in me to help me dilate, and by morning I was ready to go without
any Pitocin. My body just needs a little
help, and your body may be like that too.
Your Auntie Candi was induced I think with all of hers, and your Grandma
was induced too.
Labor: A few things…. IV – that was one of the worst parts for
me. If they don’t get a good one in, you
are going to be miserable the whole time.
Make them redo it if it doesn’t feel very good. I suffered all through Trevan’s labor with a
bad IV. My mom would keep getting a cold
washcloth and holding it on there for me trying to help it feel better. I should have asked them to redo it, but it
was my first baby and I just thought they knew what they were talking
about. Get it in your arm, not on your
hand, or right on your wrist. I mean, do
they even teach this stuff in nursing school???
That’s how I felt sometimes. You
have to hold your legs while you are pushing, but they give you an IV in the
most ridiculous places to be able to do that.
Catheter – Baby girl, I’m going to guess that by how you are a camel now,
you are like me. Because I’m a camel
anyway, and then I didn’t feel like I needed to go hours after having a baby,
they gave me a catheter a few hours after my labor with Trevan, AND IT WAS SO
PAINFUL. They got a ridiculous amount of
fluid out of me! They kept having to go
get more bags then, then they just grabbed one of those bucket things they have
at the hospital. When that happened, my
mom said she had to have that done after her babies too. So, when I had you, I told them that might
have to happen again. Well, it did. Of course my epidural had worn off by the
time they were like, oh maybe we should give her a catheter. IT WAS SO PAINFUL. They tried, and tried, and got more people to
try. I was in tears!!!! Then, I learned my lesson. The next two times, I asked them to give me
one after labor while I still had a little of the epidural left in me. SO MUCH BETTER!! So, you may need one too…. Nauseous:
I think only twice in all four of my labors did I feel nauseous. I never actually threw up though. But, I know lots of people that did throw up
while in labor. Pooping: I’m just going to say it. Naturally, when you go into labor your body
cleans itself out at the start of labor when you are having contractions. Like I said, with Trevan it was text book,
and my system was all cleaned out before I even got to the hospital. Well, with you… I pooped on the table during
labor. I was kind of embarrassed, but
then I just didn’t care. John said it
was just a little bit, and the nurse just took care of it and said it happens
all the time and not to worry about it. Like
I didn’t even know I had done it and she had switched out the pad under me
before I even knew it. It is while you
are pushing, and with an epidural and I couldn’t really feel it. Out of all four of my labors yours was the
only one it happened with. Once again, so glamorous, right?
Epidural: My friend
put it this way; most women take Tylenol for the slightest headaches or cramps,
but think they can handle the pain of delivering a baby naturally. It really is a good point that I never even
thought of before. With Trevan, I was going to try to go all natural, no
drugs. I planned to deliver in a
tub. Whenever I have cramps I lay in the
bathtub with the shower running over me and it relaxes me, so it just made
sense to try it. I love being in the water. However, they filled up the tub in the
hospital and I wanted nothing to do with it.
For the first part of labor with Trevan I spent a LONG TIME in the
shower before going to the hospital and that felt good, but once the
contractions were just so crazy I needed to be up and moving. So the tub wasn’t appealing to me anymore
when I was in the throes of labor. I
also wanted and planned to do Hypnobirthing.
I read the book, I listened to the tapes, and practiced with John. It did help me make it through a long time of
contractions, but then it just got so painful I couldn’t focus, I didn’t want
to wear headphones, and I was just sooo tired.
Then I asked for an epidural. I
never had any problems with all of my epidurals, and honestly I don’t think
they are painful, because they gave them to me when I was in so much pain
already. Now, they give them where you can
still basically move your legs. So, who
knows what they’ll have by the time you start having babies! It’s better when you can feel a little bit
anyway, it helps to be able to feel where you can push. Not feel too much, but just a tad… If you want to try it all natural – go for
it!!! Seriously! But, don’t go for it
because you feel pressured from other women to do so. You have nothing to prove to anyone. Once again, having an epidural does not
lessen your birth experiences or make you less of a woman. I have also read about
how it affects your baby, but my babies have been super alert and everything. Kudos
to women who don’t have epidurals, I don’t know how they do it. I wanted to die before I got it, and still
felt pain even after with some of them.
I will always be pro-pain relief and sing its praises! I remember after I had Trevan, my doctor just
kept saying, “I’m so glad you ended up getting an epidural.” Literally, when she was sewing me up, she
kept saying that. Then, when I went in
for my post partum, she said it again!
That moment you imagine:
You hear about that moment when the baby comes out and you are just so
in love, and it’s magical and spiritual, and you hear the chorus of angels
singing and, etc. etc. I really think I
was expecting that, and it wasn’t really like that with Trevan. The feelings/experiences after each of my deliveries
have been so different. With Trevan it
seemed so weird, like, “This is our baby!
This is OUR baby?” I called him
an “it” for at least a full month!! I
think I was hard on myself for not feeling that magical moment after I had him,
but I was EXHAUSTED and worried and scared that he was even going to be okay, I
was so silly to expect some magical feeling or something. I know some people that don’t even feel like
holding their babies after they are born.
Just be aware that it’s different every time and for everyone. However it is, will be fine and won’t mean
that you love your baby any less, or make you a better or worse mom than
another one.
Recovering: I think
this is the hardest part of having a baby.
Some women have super easy deliveries and recovery isn’t a big
deal. I hope you are lucky enough to be
one of them. However, I am not. Giving birth to you huge babies takes its
toll... I’m not going to lie, it’s not
fun. The first time it didn’t seem like
a huge deal. I mean, it was hard to sit
for a long while, but I don’t feel like I was counting down the days until I
felt normal again like I did with Everett.
The lack of abs is very apparent.
After I had you and Jonah I had bad back pain for a while. I didn’t have it as much with Everett, and
not at all with Trevan. The after labor
contractions are a beast. You don’t have
them after your first, or you really shouldn’t.
Your uterus just jumps right back in place. However, after I had you, I was like, “what
the heck is going on????” So painful,
worse than labor. I had to call my
doctor and get better drugs. Each birth
is worse as your uterus has to work harder to get back to it’s normal
size. It’s more painful when you are
nursing, oh my goodness, and drugs will be your best friend. More than once I cried waiting in the
hospital bed for them to bring me my next round of medicine. After labor pains are intense!! But, you don’t have them with your first. With your first I think recovery goes faster,
but with each one it has seemed harder and you bleed longer. At least that is how it has been in my
experience. Just with Everett, it seemed
like it took a long time. Maybe it’s
just because I’m older?
Post Partum: Feeling
crazy? Feeling sad? Feeling crazy sad? You could have baby blues or post partum. Nothing wrong with getting help. Do it.
I realized looking back I had major baby blues with you. When John would be ready to go to work, I
would ask him to stay home and just cry after he walked out the door. You’re the only one I had that with. I think it was a combination of living in a
new area, not having a lot of support from other people, my mom was really sick
and they couldn’t be here, I just felt pretty alone and like a horrible mother
trying to balance having two children.
(a big adjustment for me…) But,
after having Everett, I could tell when the crazy hormones wanted to make an
appearance. I was completely aware of
them. The day after I came home, I got
depressed for about an hour because I thought I should change Everett’s name. I was aware of the craziness, but it still
gets you! Hopefully I’ll be around to come and help you!!! If I’m not around, your dad will have strict
instructions to come and help you!!!!!
If he’s not around either, then your aunts will have instructions to
help you!!
Jelly Belly: Your
belly after you have your baby is not the sexiest thing in the world… After I had Trevan, I was able to fit back
into my normal jeans in two weeks! It
shrinks up a lot faster after your first and a whole lot longer after your
third and fourth… Be patient. It goes away.
I know it’s not fun while you have it and now I have to work hard to make
it go away, but after your first one if you are healthy before your pregnancy
it will shrink right up!
Nursing: I love
nursing, but sometimes when you are dealing with leaking and engorgement and
nursing pads you don’t feel very glamorous either. I had no expectations, but a lot of women do
and are really let down. (Pardon the
pun…) It’s hard for some women and it’s
hard for some babies. I never had any
trouble. It doesn’t hurt – only if your
baby is latched on wrong. So, remember
if it’s hurting, something is wrong. Don’t
feel pressured to do it or not do it. You breastfeeding your baby does not make you
a better mother than those that don’t.
There are women out there that think that. Ignore them.
The bottle or breast debate kills me.
Do what’s best for you and your baby.
I love how they say, “oh your babies won’t have ear infections, etc.” as
one of the pros. You all have had an
insane amount of ear infections, so obviously that pro didn’t work for me. Myself, your aunts and uncles all had
formula, and we are very healthy people.
I chose to breastfeed you all, and you can do whatever you want.
Nursing is relaxing to me.
I LOVE nursing lying down! That’s probably one of my very favorite-ist
things, and a tip you should try out! It
is so wonderful, it allows you to take a little break or nap… Probably some of the best advice I received
as a new mom. It is seriously so
wonderful, especially when you are healing after labor and it hurts to
sit. I breastfed you guys for about a
year. Shorter for you because you bit me
one too many times – I was done after a scab came off of me when I undressed
that night from where you bit me earlier in the day! If you want your baby to take a bottle you
have to introduce it to them early. I
pumped a lot with Trevan, a little for you, not any for Jonah, and I don’t
foresee me doing it unless I have to with Everett. Formula is just super convenient. When I’m out shopping, traveling, at a party,
sporting events… I use formula probably
about the time you guys could figure out to hold your own bottle. I only use it in instances like I mentioned
or if there was a babysitter. But, right
now I give about 2 ounces of formula to Everett every couple of weeks to make
sure he’ll take a bottle or drink it if he ever needed to. (and months after I started typing this
letter to you, he has only had about 20 oz. of formula in his five months of
life so far, but I like having the option, and I like that he’s flexible so
that if anything happens, he’ll take it.)
Your aunt Candi is so proud of the fact that none of her kids ever used
bottles. But, I am proud of the fact
that all my babies would! It just makes
life easier and makes things a little more flexible and convenient sometimes.
I also just nursed you guys on one side during a feeding. I
rarely nursed on both sides during a feeding, and I think it turned out pretty
well considering you were all in the 100th percentile for most of
your first years. Also, I didn’t nurse
you like I was “supposed” to nurse a newborn, in the right hold or whatever,
and you all nursed just fine. Feel free
to ignore what the “specialists” are telling you to do if it doesn’t feel
right. I loved that the lactation
specialist was trying to tell me what to do with Everett, and she took his head
and slammed it into my breast and he screamed bloody murder. I suggested to her that since it was my fourth
child I was pretty sure I knew what I was doing. When she left the room I changed to the
position I liked. I never had any
problems.
If you happen to feel a tender spot on your breast – it
could be a plugged duct, or if you are feeling really horrible and you feel a
tender spot it could be mastitis, or the start of it. This is what I’ve done in those instances…
massage it as well as you can since it’s painful. Feed the baby from that side on every feeding,
at least part of the time. Warm
compresses, and make sure to try and sleep more. It’s worked for me.
Swaddle that baby.
Like a little mummy. Like a
little burrito. Swaddle, swaddle, swaddle,
swaddle. When I hear people talk about
how their baby doesn’t sleep well or is fussy, I ask if they are swaddling
their baby when they sleep. People will
talk about how their babies don’t like it.
Who wants to have their arms trapped?
No one. But, if they stick it out
for a few minutes longer, their baby would be asleep!!! Babies tend to sleep longer swaddled because
they have a natural reflex if they hear any noise to throw their hands over
their heads. I’ve watched Everett many
times napping on my bed, not swaddled and sound asleep, but he’ll hear a noise
down in the kitchen it will startle him and he’ll throw his hands over his head
and wake him up. If he was swaddled, he
wouldn’t be able to do that. Just trust
me on this one. I talked to a good
friend from high school after she had a baby and her baby wasn’t sleeping very
long and I asked her if she was swaddling and she said she had tried, but he
didn’t like it. I convinced her to try
again, and then her baby started sleeping longer!! It just makes sense, really. Babies like to be snuggled and held tight,
and that’s what swaddling does.
Sleeping: I never
woke any of you up to feed you unless I was seriously in need of some relief
from being engorged or something.
However, if a baby isn’t gaining weight they do tell you to wake them up
to feed them. I worried about it with
Trevan, I even had my mom try to help me keep him awake when I was nursing by
tickling his feet, unwrapping him, etc. when he would fall asleep while
nursing, because that’s what they told me to do in the hospital. He was 9lbs. 15 oz. and didn’t even lose weight in the hospital before
he went home! It’s just so funny the
things they tell you to do sometimes. I
didn’t worry about it with any of my others.
Unless they are having problems or they are preemies or something, they
will wake up to eat when they are hungry.
Feed them when they wake up, let them have awake time, then let them
fall asleep on their own. Then do it all
again when they wake up. I was pretty
lucky and you were all easy, fantastic babies.
So, I never really struggled with that part of babies. My theory is to be flexible. All of you as babies took naps all over the
house and in different places. You slept
with me, in your cribs, car seats, cradles, on the beds, on the couch, on the floor,
etc. So, you were used to sleeping in
different places. I also, went out
during nap times too. I tried not to
have to feel restricted to my house just because it was your nap time. So, I think I’ve created very flexible
sleepers. For example, a few days ago
Jonah fell asleep in the van on the way to the store because we missed nap time
earlier. I carried him in and out of two
stores and he stayed asleep, and carried him into the house when we were done
and he slept another hour. So, he was
transferred in and out of the car five times while asleep! You were all like that. It also makes it easier to travel with them
as well, if they have only ever taken a nap or slept in their bed every day
since they were born, well of course it will be hard for them to go to sleep in
a new place. That’s just my theory
anyway. It’s seemed to worked for
us.
Pacifiers: Who knows
what they’ll be saying about pacis when you start having kids. Right now they
say it helps prevent SIDS. I love
them. You all had them introduced right
after coming home from the hospital, or for Everett, at the hospital. None of you had nipple confusion and all of
you nursed fine and took a paci just fine.
But, I hear about other babies having problems. Maybe make sure your baby is nursing fine
before introducing? We never had any
problems and I sure love having a pacifier.
We took the pacifier away cold turkey for all of you, and you all did
just fine.
I feel like I need to add a thought on the topic of infertility. Though,
your father and I have been lucky to conceive you all naturally without other
issues, out of your dad’s four best friends, only one of them didn’t have to
deal with infertility. So, including
your dad, that’s two out of three men that didn’t have to deal with infertility. Two of them conceived via in vitro and other
infertility treatments, and the other adopted.
I have too many friends to count that have dealt with or are dealing with
infertility, and/or adopted children as well.
This could be a road you find yourself on as well. It won’t be easy. I don’t know from experience. When I had my miscarriage, I was given just a
glimpse of how it felt to want and long for something and then to lose it. To feel like that over an extended period of
time I can’t really imagine. I’ve
watched people I love go through this, and have felt guilty for being able to
have children the way I do. I’ll never
forget shopping for your Auntie Becky’s twins that were coming and an enormous
flood of emotions washing over me all of a sudden; a mixture of excitement, relief, gratefulness,
and me letting go of some guilt which I didn’t know I had been carrying. Like I wanted so badly for Becky to
experience motherhood, I want you to have that experience too. Just know the road to parenthood isn’t always
an easy one, but I’ll do my best to be of the best support to you if you have that struggle.
After composing this letter for five months, I can’t think
of anything else to write… So, I hope I
covered most anything you would have a question on if I won’t be there to
answer it. Though, I truly hope I am!
I think I’ll close with the advice I give anyone about
marriage or pregnancy or having children – don’t have any expectations! Or expect the worst and you’ll always be
pleasantly surprised. But, seriously,
don’t assume anything will be easy, or it will just work naturally, or that you’ll
be able to do it better than so and so down the street. I think that saved me with having kids,
because I think I truly did expect the worst, so I was very pleasantly
surprised. I had no idea if I would be
able to nurse, thought I was going to be up all night with fussy babies,
because you often hear about all the struggles of new parents, but I didn’t
have that experience. So, I was
pleasantly surprised. Though you may
have a baby that has reflux 24/7… You just never know!
That’s the thing, women can share the experience of being
pregnant and having babies, but that’s it - we share the common functionality of
it, but our experiences are all so different from start to end. While I enjoy being pregnant mostly, there
are some that really dislike most of it.
We’re all different and we’ll have different experiences.
I’m so grateful for it all.
To have those memories of quiet moments lying in bed or on the couch
with my hand on my belly feeling you all move inside of me and have silent
conversations with you. The thoughts for
nine months of what you all would be like, what you would look like and what
kind of mother I would be to you all.
Those are very beautiful moments of my life – the looking forward to
loving you.
When I was pregnant with Trevan, I had ideas of what motherhood
would be like, but really I had no idea.
No idea… Candi would always tell
me, “Just you wait…” I get it now. Even though she still tells me that, I think
I have a pretty good idea.
I had no idea you could love someone so much (and at the same
time want to wring their necks.)
But, seriously, I had no idea the joy that could envelop
your entire being at seeing or hearing the simplest of things from your child.
That’s why I hope you have children.
Just you wait…
