Monday, September 22, 2014

Dear Mallary,

Someday when you’re older you’ll ask me what you were like as a child.  Instead of telling you, I’ll come for a visit and show you. 

First thing upon arrival, I’ll probably go around to all your dressers, cabinets, end tables, and shelves and twist off all of the pulls and put them in random places for you to find later.  You’ll love it when you go to pull open a drawer and there’s no knob to do it!  Trust me, it is so awesome!

Then, when I’m done with that project I’ll move to the next.  I’ll go through your closet and find any fabric belts or ribbons and after I try to jump rope with all of them, I’ll start tying them on all the door knobs and any drawer pulls that I decided to leave in their original places.  Not only will I tie them around the door knobs, but I’ll put knots all down the ribbons just for the fun of it.  It will be fun when you go to put on a dress, like I did yesterday, and had to untie five hundred knots out of the belt. 

When I’ve successfully rid your closet of any such belts, I’ll find some crayons and get to work.  I may even pack crayons to bring to your house just to make sure I have them.  I’ll make sure I pack the right crayons to coordinate with your wall colors.  You know, to make sure the crayons are a dark enough color to show up on your walls.  Red crayons look really good on yellow walls. (Oh, right, you already know that…)  After making big circles, I’ll make sure to sign my name so that you’ll remember that I’m the one to make such pretty pictures on your walls. 

I’ll also make sure to never flush the toilet while I’m there and to fill it full of toilet paper. Because, you know how it totally takes a whole roll to wipe your bum when you go to the bathroom? While I’m in the bathroom, I’ll make sure to blow my nose five times on five different wadded up pieces of toilet paper and make sure to scatter them around your house after that.  Then, I’ll make sure to leave my dirty underwear in the floor of your bathroom to step over when you go to get in the shower.  While I'm in the bathroom, I'll dump out all of your shampoo and conditioner too. I hope it's a super expensive kind too!  Like, a kind you saved your money to buy, or like the one thing you splurged on yourself from your tax return.
The next morning, after waking you up super early because I’ll probably be really loud, (and if you have children, I’ll make sure to wake them up too), I’ll head to your kitchen and pour myself a big bowl of cereal with milk to the top of the bowl.  Then, I’ll only eat a fourth of it.  Because, I’ll probably be full...  I’ll also pour myself a tall glass of milk and drink a sip out of it for good measure. 

After that, I’ll have you help me pick out an outfit to wear so we can go shopping.  I’m pretty picky, so it will take us a while to pick out something cute.  Then, I will come downstairs wearing something completely different than what you picked.  Like, I’m thinking leggings, furry boots, and a mismatched top.  In the middle of the summer.  And you better believe that I won’t be brushing my hair.  No way! Don’t be embarrassed though.

While we are at the store, I’m going to only walk on the green, blue, white, or black tiles (depending on what the color of the floor is in the store), so you’ll probably have to apologize to every shopper we walk by because I almost run into them.  You’ll probably tell me to come walk behind or in front of you, but I won’t.  

Then, when we get home, I’ll take a break while you make dinner.  If you talk to me, I’ll probably just ignore you or even roll my eyes.  You’ll get used to it though, don’t worry.  I hope you have kids, because while you make dinner I can entertain them by chasing them around the island in your kitchen!  The squealing and shrieking will be a big help while you make dinner.  Trust me.  

I can even help your kids do their homework!  Just kidding.  I’m going to tell them not to do it, to refuse to do it, or even throw a tantrum when you ask them to do it!  That includes reading.  I’m pretty sure that will earn me the title of Grandma of the year.  

Also, sometime during the day I will also try on all of your shoes and walk around in them.  Then, I will hide them in random places so that when you go to wear them they won’t be there, and you have to choose another pair to wear.  It really is one of my favoritest things, and I know it will be yours too!  While I’m in your room I’ll also go through your make up and try on all of your lipstick and lip gloss.  I’ll wipe off each one on one of your shirts.  Don’t worry though; they come off if you scrub them with Dawn dish detergent.  I’ll be sure to pack your favorites in my purse and take them home with me too.  

I’ll also be sure to hide out in your pantry and eat all the treats you have and leave the wrappers on the floor for you to pick up later.  Or maybe I’ll throw some in the corner of the bathroom for good measure as well – just to mix it up a bit.

I mean, I could even dump my cereal bowl on the floor, or sit under your kitchen table and unscrew all the bolts, or drink milk from my cup and spit it out on all of your floors like you did when you were a little younger, but I’ll try to refrain, because that would just be mean.

Wow, that sounds like it will be an exhausting visit!  For you, not me.  I can’t wait…

You’ll probably never be so excited for a house guest to leave.  I do feel sorry for your husband if you’re married though.  Actually, I think I’ll send him on an all-expenses paid vacation while I’m at your house, and when he gets back and you tell him about all the things I did – he won’t believe you. 

Oh my goodness, this will be so fun!!



amberrrr said...

I cant believe you kept having babies after that one! Lol

Sarah Jane said...

omg, this was so funny. i know this is your life but it was really funny. I can't believe you had more children after mallary! she is a handful!