Probably my longest post ever

Dear Mallary,

I’m not sure when you decided that you weren’t going to have any children, but when you tell me that you aren’t going to, I tell you that it’s okay.  Though, I’m hoping you’ll change your mind of course, because I want me some grand babies!  Also, you are really great with Everett already as a five year old!  We call you the baby whisperer.

Since I’ve had Everett, I’ve been thinking a lot about the whole pregnancy and labor and recovery process.  As I recovered in the hospital, I thought about some of the things or questions I would have liked to ask my mom, but she isn’t around to ask… There are questions I asked her when I was pregnant with you and Trevan, but she couldn’t remember.  So, just in case I’m not around when you are having your babies, and while it’s still fresh in my memory, I’m going to try and answer any questions that I would have asked my mother.

Having a baby is very glamorous.  Okay, just kidding.  It’s about the least glamorous thing you’ll ever do.  (Trust me, after about 20 people have seen your netherlands in a delivery room, or your bum hanging out the back of a delivery gown, or your Dr. and nurse watching you push in a weird position with your bum in the air...  oh my word, I've never felt less sexy than in that very moment.  but you really could care less in that moment as well...) I know it looks so fun when you see the cute new mom with her fun new stroller with her cute newborn in it, and a cute diaper bag hanging over her shoulder.  Everything seems so cute and perfect.  It is cute, but don’t be fooled.  A few months ago, within arm’s reach from her toilet you would find a variety of things like, Witch Hazel pads, Dermaplast, Ice pack pads the size of California, Squeeze Water bottle rinser thingy, maxi pads for the weeks (please note the plurality of that last word) of bleeding, and hemorrhoid wipes and cream.  Not to mention the pain killers and stool softeners that she would be taking regularly.  Now, I’m not sure about a C-section, so that would be a different story.  However, you may not need all of those things I mentioned above…  but you may…   Trust me; using any of the above mentioned products will not make you feel very glamorous.   The leaking, the hormones, the night sweats (which I didn’t have but I’ve heard of women having), and hair loss afterwards will not help you feel glamorous either.  Or having your sister watch you walk like an injured penguin to and from the bathroom in your hospital room while you are recovering and laugh while you do it reminds you of how glamorous you look… It’s okay, I was laughing with her. 

A few things...

Weight Gain:  I started at all different weights with all four of you, gained a different amount of weight with all four of you and still all my babies were about the same size.  So, obviously only gaining 20 pounds with Everett did not guarantee me a smaller baby compared to the almost 60 pounds I gained with Jonah.  Unfortunately, it is in your genes, because you were a big baby the chances of you having larger birth weight babies is high…  Good luck with that.  And, no.  I did not have gestational diabetes with any of them.  I get that question a lot, so just in case you were thinking it… I ended up about the same weight at the end of all of my pregnancies despite the differences in my weight gain.  The less you gain the less you have to lose after the baby…  Just keep that in mind.  You really aren’t eating for two.  I mean you are, but the extra calories you need to make up for that could be a handful of M&M’s.

Morning Sickness:  Didn’t have it with Trevan, but had it with every other baby.  By the way, it was ALL THE TIME sickness.  I wish it had only been in the mornings.  It really is miserable.  At the beginning of my pregnancies I just felt wiped out and tired.  When I was sick on top of that, I just felt like I wanted to throw up ALL THE TIME.  Never did, but just felt like I would.  It went away at about 16 weeks.  The things that helped me with it sometimes were jello, gum, suckers, pudding, and yogurt.  With one pregnancy, milk made me feel better, with you, the thought of drinking milk made me want to vomit. 

Stretch Marks:  Your grandma didn’t have them.  I however, have a road atlas of the United States on my midsection.  The fourth time around I got less than 10 new ones to add to my collection.  I thought after so many babies you just don’t get any new stretch marks…  I was wrong.  I don’t think lotions work, but if you want to try them – stick to the ones that are 100% shea butter or 100% cocoa butter, etc.   How are lotions or creams that are watered down with WATER going to prevent stretch marks?  Seriously, that stuff is such a racket. 

Cravings:  I wouldn’t say I had cravings necessarily…  With my pregnancy with Trevan I was easily persuaded by commercials or billboards for restaurants.  Your dad LOVED it.  The only thing I would say I craved with him were peaches.  I would eat like 3 or 4 peaches for breakfast every morning… and then some again for diner or a snack.  Maybe that’s why Trevan wouldn’t eat peaches for YEARS!  I couldn’t drink milk at the beginning of my pregnancy with you, it just seemed gross.  I don’t remember anything with Jonah.  With Everett, at the beginning of my pregnancy I wanted hot dogs, and meaty spaghetti; all the time!  Also, with Everett I wanted French fries, and I had stopped eating French fries before that, so that was kind of a big deal. Now, I’m back to not liking French fries again.   Also, when I was pregnant was the only time I would eat cold cereal. 

Exercising:  I stopped after I knew I was pregnant with Trevan.  I couldn’t when I was pregnant with you because I had placenta previa.  With Jonah, I exercised a long time (that’s why I couldn’t believe I gained 60 pounds! ).  With Everett I exercised until about 6 months or until I couldn’t spin anymore.  I tried water aerobics and swimming after that for a while, but because you feel so much lighter under water I was working my body harder than I could tell.  I had no core to be doing some of the things I was doing and it took its toll on my body. 

Weird Body Things:  Acid reflux – had it towards the end with most of my pregnancies.  Never had to use Tums with Everett though, his wasn’t as bad.  Potty talk - I had to pee at the beginning of my pregnancy with Trevan ALL THE TIME.  Just at the beginning.  I read that it was hormones.  After that I really didn’t have to pee that much.  Just at the end I would get up once a night.  But, I’m a camel.  I’ve read to lean over when you use the bathroom to make sure you are really emptying your bladder to make you not go as often?  My chest - Oh my word, did my boobs hurt.  I think, that's how I knew I was pregnant with him and you.  By the time Jonah and Everett came around I guess they were already so stretched out they didn't have any original tissue left to hurt...  They sure were tender and got pretty big...  Swelling – I didn’t swell; only when I traveled, specifically on plane.  It went away after a day.   Acne – I think with my pregnancy with Jonah I got acne, which I did not appreciate at all.  SI pain – so bad with Mallary and Jonah, and just a little bit with Everett.   Leg cramps – These are just crazy.  You just have to learn not to stretch your legs like you normally do when you are sleeping in bed.  You learn in a semi-sleep state when a leg cramp is coming and you flex your leg to keep it from full on cramping. 

Contractions:  I walk around the last few months of my pregnancies with contractions.  Like, stop walking in the middle of the store kind of contractions.  People were like, oh yeah, Braxton Hicks… Sure, if those are supposed to come every 5 -10 minutes on a regular basis.  Ummm, no.   Basically, if my body could dilate on it’s own my babies would come early. 

Sleeping:  I love sleeping on my belly, and then when you are pregnant you get to a point where you can’t do it anymore.  I had to sleep with pillows all around me, or half lean on your dad while I slept.  Towards the very end, it gets a little harder.  With Trevan, I remember going to work and mentioning to my boss, that I just cried at the thought of even going to bed, like, what’s the point when I won’t sleep.  She said that once you get to that point you only have a week left of being pregnant.  It ended up being true!!!  It is pretty funny how I literally had to roll out of bed in the mornings. 

Even though I talk of this stuff like it’s not glamorous, I loved being pregnant.  I even loved shopping for and wearing maternity clothes!  I loved feeling you all move inside me.  We loved how you all would interact with us even inside the womb.  Even with how ginormous I was with all of you, being pregnant makes you feel really beautiful sometimes.  I mean, I like my hair, but when I’m pregnant it is even better!  I really did enjoy being pregnant for the most part. It really is amazing, and I’m extremely grateful to have had experienced it.   

Labor:  I know what you will be thinking, because most women wonder this.  “Will I know when I’m in labor?  How will I know?  What does it feel like?”  It for real feels like your really, really bad menstrual cramps.  For real.  Trevan’s labor was text book.  Like, exactly what you read about, and it all happened in that order.  I just remember thinking as his labor was progressing, “Oh, yeah, I read about that too.  Wow, it really is just like what I read.”  Now, his delivery was another story.  But, I’m glad I was able to experience labor that one time so I know what it’s like since I was induced all the other times.

Water breaking:  With Trevan, it broke all on it’s own shortly after arriving at the hospital.  With you, they broke my water in the hospital and IT HURT LIKE CRAZY!  When they broke my water with Jonah it was totally pain free.  With Everett, it was just uncomfortable.  I always heard about people getting their water broken, but no one had mentioned it was painful.  Then after talking to them afterwards they said it wasn’t.  So, I’ve figured it out.  It only hurt when I wasn’t already dilated or had softened any.  Oh my word… when they did that when I was in labor with you…. Yikes!

Home Births:  I think it’s awesome that people can do this and everyone is fine.  It really is beautiful.  But, there are gagillions of horrible stories out there when these don’t go so well…  You can do whatever you want, but just remember all of my babies could have died had I given birth at home.  If you are going to do this… maybe wait until your second baby to try please?  See how that first delivery goes first, that would make me feel better.  And, if you are going to do it – educate yourself thoroughly about both sides.  Talk to some labor and delivery nurses about women they’ve seen that have started out at home giving birth and then have to be rushed to the hospital and what has happened in those cases.  Educate yourself and everything to make you more prepared if you are going to do a home birth.   Just make sure you are educated about whatever your decision is anyway.    Giving birth at home doesn’t make you a mightier woman/better mother than another woman who chooses to give birth at a hospital.  Giving birth at a hospital or having a C-section doesn’t make your birth experience any less meaningful or your bond any less with your baby.  I don’t care what those people say.  Do what you want and don’t feel pressured to follow whatever the current trends are, etc.

Inductions:  You come from a family of women whose bodies need to be induced and/or handle inductions very well.  However, you might not be like that.  I have called many a women’s c-sections ahead of time when I heard they were going to be induced.  Don’t get induced just because it’s uncomfortable and you want that baby out of there.  Let your body show some signs of being ready. Your C-section risk goes way up when you don’t have any signs of labor when you are induced.  Like I said, I’ve called it on many, many occasions.  Even though my water broke with Trevan a week early on its own, they still had to give me Pitocin in the hospital because my body needed help dilating.  I know that if my body could dilate by itself all of you would have come super early all on your own!  However, I need that extra something.  With Jonah, I didn’t need Pitocin, but they checked me in the hospital the night before my scheduled induction and stuck a pill thing up in me to help me dilate, and by morning I was ready to go without any Pitocin.  My body just needs a little help, and your body may be like that too.  Your Auntie Candi was induced I think with all of hers, and your Grandma was induced too. 

Labor:  A few things….  IV – that was one of the worst parts for me.  If they don’t get a good one in, you are going to be miserable the whole time.  Make them redo it if it doesn’t feel very good.  I suffered all through Trevan’s labor with a bad IV.  My mom would keep getting a cold washcloth and holding it on there for me trying to help it feel better.  I should have asked them to redo it, but it was my first baby and I just thought they knew what they were talking about.  Get it in your arm, not on your hand, or right on your wrist.  I mean, do they even teach this stuff in nursing school???  That’s how I felt sometimes.  You have to hold your legs while you are pushing, but they give you an IV in the most ridiculous places to be able to do that.  Catheter – Baby girl, I’m going to guess that by how you are a camel now, you are like me.  Because I’m a camel anyway, and then I didn’t feel like I needed to go hours after having a baby, they gave me a catheter a few hours after my labor with Trevan, AND IT WAS SO PAINFUL.  They got a ridiculous amount of fluid out of me!  They kept having to go get more bags then, then they just grabbed one of those bucket things they have at the hospital.  When that happened, my mom said she had to have that done after her babies too.  So, when I had you, I told them that might have to happen again.  Well, it did.  Of course my epidural had worn off by the time they were like, oh maybe we should give her a catheter.  IT WAS SO PAINFUL.  They tried, and tried, and got more people to try.  I was in tears!!!!  Then, I learned my lesson.  The next two times, I asked them to give me one after labor while I still had a little of the epidural left in me.  SO MUCH BETTER!!  So, you may need one too….  Nauseous:  I think only twice in all four of my labors did I feel nauseous.  I never actually threw up though.  But, I know lots of people that did throw up while in labor.  Pooping:  I’m just going to say it.  Naturally, when you go into labor your body cleans itself out at the start of labor when you are having contractions.  Like I said, with Trevan it was text book, and my system was all cleaned out before I even got to the hospital.  Well, with you… I pooped on the table during labor.  I was kind of embarrassed, but then I just didn’t care.  John said it was just a little bit, and the nurse just took care of it and said it happens all the time and not to worry about it.  Like I didn’t even know I had done it and she had switched out the pad under me before I even knew it.  It is while you are pushing, and with an epidural and I couldn’t really feel it.  Out of all four of my labors yours was the only one it happened with. Once again, so glamorous, right? 

Epidural:  My friend put it this way; most women take Tylenol for the slightest headaches or cramps, but think they can handle the pain of delivering a baby naturally.  It really is a good point that I never even thought of before. With Trevan, I was going to try to go all natural, no drugs.  I planned to deliver in a tub.  Whenever I have cramps I lay in the bathtub with the shower running over me and it relaxes me, so it just made sense to try it.  I love being in the water.  However, they filled up the tub in the hospital and I wanted nothing to do with it.  For the first part of labor with Trevan I spent a LONG TIME in the shower before going to the hospital and that felt good, but once the contractions were just so crazy I needed to be up and moving.  So the tub wasn’t appealing to me anymore when I was in the throes of labor.  I also wanted and planned to do Hypnobirthing.  I read the book, I listened to the tapes, and practiced with John.  It did help me make it through a long time of contractions, but then it just got so painful I couldn’t focus, I didn’t want to wear headphones, and I was just sooo tired.  Then I asked for an epidural.  I never had any problems with all of my epidurals, and honestly I don’t think they are painful, because they gave them to me when I was in so much pain already.  Now, they give them where you can still basically move your legs.  So, who knows what they’ll have by the time you start having babies!  It’s better when you can feel a little bit anyway, it helps to be able to feel where you can push.  Not feel too much, but just a tad…  If you want to try it all natural – go for it!!! Seriously!  But, don’t go for it because you feel pressured from other women to do so.  You have nothing to prove to anyone.  Once again, having an epidural does not lessen your birth experiences or make you less of a woman. I have also read about how it affects your baby, but my babies have been super alert and everything.   Kudos to women who don’t have epidurals, I don’t know how they do it.  I wanted to die before I got it, and still felt pain even after with some of them.  I will always be pro-pain relief and sing its praises!  I remember after I had Trevan, my doctor just kept saying, “I’m so glad you ended up getting an epidural.”  Literally, when she was sewing me up, she kept saying that.  Then, when I went in for my post partum, she said it again! 

That moment you imagine:  You hear about that moment when the baby comes out and you are just so in love, and it’s magical and spiritual, and you hear the chorus of angels singing and, etc. etc.  I really think I was expecting that, and it wasn’t really like that with Trevan.  The feelings/experiences after each of my deliveries have been so different.  With Trevan it seemed so weird, like, “This is our baby!  This is OUR baby?”  I called him an “it” for at least a full month!!  I think I was hard on myself for not feeling that magical moment after I had him, but I was EXHAUSTED and worried and scared that he was even going to be okay, I was so silly to expect some magical feeling or something.  I know some people that don’t even feel like holding their babies after they are born.  Just be aware that it’s different every time and for everyone.  However it is, will be fine and won’t mean that you love your baby any less, or make you a better or worse mom than another one. 

Recovering:  I think this is the hardest part of having a baby.  Some women have super easy deliveries and recovery isn’t a big deal.  I hope you are lucky enough to be one of them.  However, I am not.  Giving birth to you huge babies takes its toll...  I’m not going to lie, it’s not fun.  The first time it didn’t seem like a huge deal.  I mean, it was hard to sit for a long while, but I don’t feel like I was counting down the days until I felt normal again like I did with Everett.  The lack of abs is very apparent.  After I had you and Jonah I had bad back pain for a while.  I didn’t have it as much with Everett, and not at all with Trevan.  The after labor contractions are a beast.  You don’t have them after your first, or you really shouldn’t.  Your uterus just jumps right back in place.  However, after I had you, I was like, “what the heck is going on????”  So painful, worse than labor.  I had to call my doctor and get better drugs.  Each birth is worse as your uterus has to work harder to get back to it’s normal size.  It’s more painful when you are nursing, oh my goodness, and drugs will be your best friend.  More than once I cried waiting in the hospital bed for them to bring me my next round of medicine.  After labor pains are intense!!  But, you don’t have them with your first.  With your first I think recovery goes faster, but with each one it has seemed harder and you bleed longer.  At least that is how it has been in my experience.  Just with Everett, it seemed like it took a long time.  Maybe it’s just because I’m older? 

Post Partum:  Feeling crazy?  Feeling sad?  Feeling crazy sad?  You could have baby blues or post partum.  Nothing wrong with getting help.  Do it.  I realized looking back I had major baby blues with you.  When John would be ready to go to work, I would ask him to stay home and just cry after he walked out the door.  You’re the only one I had that with.  I think it was a combination of living in a new area, not having a lot of support from other people, my mom was really sick and they couldn’t be here, I just felt pretty alone and like a horrible mother trying to balance having two children.  (a big adjustment for me…)  But, after having Everett, I could tell when the crazy hormones wanted to make an appearance.  I was completely aware of them.  The day after I came home, I got depressed for about an hour because I thought I should change Everett’s name.  I was aware of the craziness, but it still gets you! Hopefully I’ll be around to come and help you!!!  If I’m not around, your dad will have strict instructions to come and help you!!!!!  If he’s not around either, then your aunts will have instructions to help you!! 

Jelly Belly:  Your belly after you have your baby is not the sexiest thing in the world…  After I had Trevan, I was able to fit back into my normal jeans in two weeks!  It shrinks up a lot faster after your first and a whole lot longer after your third and fourth…  Be patient.  It goes away.  I know it’s not fun while you have it and now I have to work hard to make it go away, but after your first one if you are healthy before your pregnancy it will shrink right up! 

Nursing:  I love nursing, but sometimes when you are dealing with leaking and engorgement and nursing pads you don’t feel very glamorous either.  I had no expectations, but a lot of women do and are really let down.  (Pardon the pun…)   It’s hard for some women and it’s hard for some babies.  I never had any trouble.  It doesn’t hurt – only if your baby is latched on wrong.  So, remember if it’s hurting, something is wrong.  Don’t feel pressured to do it or not do it.  You breastfeeding your baby does not make you a better mother than those that don’t.  There are women out there that think that.  Ignore them.  The bottle or breast debate kills me.  Do what’s best for you and your baby.  I love how they say, “oh your babies won’t have ear infections, etc.” as one of the pros.  You all have had an insane amount of ear infections, so obviously that pro didn’t work for me.  Myself, your aunts and uncles all had formula, and we are very healthy people.  I chose to breastfeed you all, and you can do whatever you want. 

Nursing is relaxing to me.   I LOVE nursing lying down!  That’s probably one of my very favorite-ist things, and a tip you should try out!  It is so wonderful, it allows you to take a little break or nap…  Probably some of the best advice I received as a new mom.  It is seriously so wonderful, especially when you are healing after labor and it hurts to sit.  I breastfed you guys for about a year.  Shorter for you because you bit me one too many times – I was done after a scab came off of me when I undressed that night from where you bit me earlier in the day!  If you want your baby to take a bottle you have to introduce it to them early.  I pumped a lot with Trevan, a little for you, not any for Jonah, and I don’t foresee me doing it unless I have to with Everett.  Formula is just super convenient.  When I’m out shopping, traveling, at a party, sporting events…  I use formula probably about the time you guys could figure out to hold your own bottle.  I only use it in instances like I mentioned or if there was a babysitter.  But, right now I give about 2 ounces of formula to Everett every couple of weeks to make sure he’ll take a bottle or drink it if he ever needed to.  (and months after I started typing this letter to you, he has only had about 20 oz. of formula in his five months of life so far, but I like having the option, and I like that he’s flexible so that if anything happens, he’ll take it.)  Your aunt Candi is so proud of the fact that none of her kids ever used bottles.  But, I am proud of the fact that all my babies would!  It just makes life easier and makes things a little more flexible and convenient sometimes.

I also just nursed you guys on one side during a feeding. I rarely nursed on both sides during a feeding, and I think it turned out pretty well considering you were all in the 100^th percentile for most of your first years.  Also, I didn’t nurse you like I was “supposed” to nurse a newborn, in the right hold or whatever, and you all nursed just fine.  Feel free to ignore what the “specialists” are telling you to do if it doesn’t feel right.  I loved that the lactation specialist was trying to tell me what to do with Everett, and she took his head and slammed it into my breast and he screamed bloody murder.  I suggested to her that since it was my fourth child I was pretty sure I knew what I was doing.  When she left the room I changed to the position I liked.  I never had any problems. 

If you happen to feel a tender spot on your breast – it could be a plugged duct, or if you are feeling really horrible and you feel a tender spot it could be mastitis, or the start of it.  This is what I’ve done in those instances… massage it as well as you can since it’s painful.  Feed the baby from that side on every feeding, at least part of the time.  Warm compresses, and make sure to try and sleep more.  It’s worked for me. 

Swaddle that baby.  Like a little mummy.  Like a little burrito.  Swaddle, swaddle, swaddle, swaddle.  When I hear people talk about how their baby doesn’t sleep well or is fussy, I ask if they are swaddling their baby when they sleep.  People will talk about how their babies don’t like it.  Who wants to have their arms trapped?  No one.  But, if they stick it out for a few minutes longer, their baby would be asleep!!!  Babies tend to sleep longer swaddled because they have a natural reflex if they hear any noise to throw their hands over their heads.  I’ve watched Everett many times napping on my bed, not swaddled and sound asleep, but he’ll hear a noise down in the kitchen it will startle him and he’ll throw his hands over his head and wake him up.  If he was swaddled, he wouldn’t be able to do that.  Just trust me on this one.  I talked to a good friend from high school after she had a baby and her baby wasn’t sleeping very long and I asked her if she was swaddling and she said she had tried, but he didn’t like it.  I convinced her to try again, and then her baby started sleeping longer!!  It just makes sense, really.  Babies like to be snuggled and held tight, and that’s what swaddling does. 

Sleeping:  I never woke any of you up to feed you unless I was seriously in need of some relief from being engorged or something.  However, if a baby isn’t gaining weight they do tell you to wake them up to feed them.  I worried about it with Trevan, I even had my mom try to help me keep him awake when I was nursing by tickling his feet, unwrapping him, etc. when he would fall asleep while nursing, because that’s what they told me to do in the hospital.  He was 9lbs. 15 oz.  and didn’t even lose weight in the hospital before he went home!  It’s just so funny the things they tell you to do sometimes.  I didn’t worry about it with any of my others.  Unless they are having problems or they are preemies or something, they will wake up to eat when they are hungry.  Feed them when they wake up, let them have awake time, then let them fall asleep on their own.  Then do it all again when they wake up.  I was pretty lucky and you were all easy, fantastic babies.  So, I never really struggled with that part of babies.    My theory is to be flexible.  All of you as babies took naps all over the house and in different places.  You slept with me, in your cribs, car seats, cradles, on the beds, on the couch, on the floor, etc.  So, you were used to sleeping in different places.  I also, went out during nap times too.  I tried not to have to feel restricted to my house just because it was your nap time.  So, I think I’ve created very flexible sleepers.  For example, a few days ago Jonah fell asleep in the van on the way to the store because we missed nap time earlier.  I carried him in and out of two stores and he stayed asleep, and carried him into the house when we were done and he slept another hour.  So, he was transferred in and out of the car five times while asleep!  You were all like that.  It also makes it easier to travel with them as well, if they have only ever taken a nap or slept in their bed every day since they were born, well of course it will be hard for them to go to sleep in a new place.  That’s just my theory anyway.  It’s seemed to worked for us. 

Pacifiers:  Who knows what they’ll be saying about pacis when you start having kids. Right now they say it helps prevent SIDS.  I love them.  You all had them introduced right after coming home from the hospital, or for Everett, at the hospital.  None of you had nipple confusion and all of you nursed fine and took a paci just fine.  But, I hear about other babies having problems.  Maybe make sure your baby is nursing fine before introducing?  We never had any problems and I sure love having a pacifier.  We took the pacifier away cold turkey for all of you, and you all did just fine. 

I feel like I need to add a thought on the topic of infertility. Though, your father and I have been lucky to conceive you all naturally without other issues, out of your dad’s four best friends, only one of them didn’t have to deal with infertility.  So, including your dad, that’s two out of three men that didn’t have to deal with infertility.  Two of them conceived via in vitro and other infertility treatments, and the other adopted.  I have too many friends to count that have dealt with or are dealing with infertility, and/or adopted children as well.  This could be a road you find yourself on as well.  It won’t be easy.  I don’t know from experience.  When I had my miscarriage, I was given just a glimpse of how it felt to want and long for something and then to lose it.  To feel like that over an extended period of time I can’t really imagine.  I’ve watched people I love go through this, and have felt guilty for being able to have children the way I do.  I’ll never forget shopping for your Auntie Becky’s twins that were coming and an enormous flood of emotions washing over me all of a sudden; a mixture of excitement, relief, gratefulness, and me letting go of some guilt which I didn’t know I had been carrying.  Like I wanted so badly for Becky to experience motherhood, I want you to have that experience too.  Just know the road to parenthood isn’t always an easy one, but I’ll do my best to be of the best support to you if you have that struggle. 

After composing this letter for five months, I can’t think of anything else to write…  So, I hope I covered most anything you would have a question on if I won’t be there to answer it. Though,  I truly hope I am! 

I think I’ll close with the advice I give anyone about marriage or pregnancy or having children – don’t have any expectations!  Or expect the worst and you’ll always be pleasantly surprised.   But, seriously, don’t assume anything will be easy, or it will just work naturally, or that you’ll be able to do it better than so and so down the street.  I think that saved me with having kids, because I think I truly did expect the worst, so I was very pleasantly surprised.  I had no idea if I would be able to nurse, thought I was going to be up all night with fussy babies, because you often hear about all the struggles of new parents, but I didn’t have that experience.  So, I was pleasantly surprised.  Though you may have a baby that has reflux 24/7… You just never know!

That’s the thing, women can share the experience of being pregnant and having babies, but that’s it - we share the common functionality of it, but our experiences are all so different from start to end.  While I enjoy being pregnant mostly, there are some that really dislike most of it.  We’re all different and we’ll have different experiences. 

I’m so grateful for it all.  To have those memories of quiet moments lying in bed or on the couch with my hand on my belly feeling you all move inside of me and have silent conversations with you.  The thoughts for nine months of what you all would be like, what you would look like and what kind of mother I would be to you all.  Those are very beautiful moments of my life – the looking forward to loving you. 

When I was pregnant with Trevan, I had ideas of what motherhood would be like, but really I had no idea.  No idea…  Candi would always tell me, “Just you wait…”  I get it now.  Even though she still tells me that, I think I have a pretty good idea. 

I had no idea you could love someone so much (and at the same time want to wring their necks.)

But, seriously, I had no idea the joy that could envelop your entire being at seeing or hearing the simplest of things from your child.

That’s why I hope you have children.   

Just you wait…