Sometimes I wonder

Am I the only one who wonders if they are "mothering" their children right?

Sometimes, I watch Trevan as he plays, or after he gets in trouble for something, and I think to myself, "Am I totally screwing this (or him) up?" Or when I get mad at him for standing next to Mallary watching her take the diaper cream and smear it all over the changing table and not do something about it? "Why did you let her do that?" I asked him (probably in not a nice tone of voice). Like he should be responsible for what she did. Of course not. He's five. I know he was probably thinking to himself, 'I'm just going to watch what she does with that diaper cream, and see what happens. I know I shouldn't do it, but I'll just live vicariously through her, and tell mom when she's done.'

What happens in instances like this? I usually come across the scene and find Trevan trying to get rid of the evidence. This time he was using toilet paper to try and clean up the mess from the diaper cream. That's what he does. One time, he gave Mallary a bloody nose, and I didn't see a thing. I hear her cry for a second, I see Trevan get some paper towels and run back in the room to Mallary, and then five minutes later Mallary comes out of their little play tent with a bloody paper towel, and blood all over her face, hands, and feet. Trevan really is a great helper. But, is he helping because he knows I will be mad when I see the mess, and is trying to prevent mom getting mad? Or, is he helping just because he is a big helper? Probably both?

Seriously, sometimes I feel bad for Trevan being the oldest. He's like our little guinea pig. If it works on him, we'll use it with the next child, etc. (Though that won't always work, because all of our children will most likely be different.) If it doesn't work on him, then are we messing him up with our failed attempts at being good parents? I just think it must be hard for him being the oldest sometimes. Maybe that's why he tells me he wants an older brother...

Today, I asked Trevan what he thought I could do to be a better mom. (Does that sound silly to do with a five year old? Oh well.) He gave me an honest response that stung a little bit. Stinging, of course, only because it was true. (I really haven't been the most patient mom lately...) We talked about it for a little bit, and then true to his character, he got down off his chair, gave me a hug, and said, "I'm sorry I told you that, Mom." I wasn't crying then, but it made me want to start crying. I told him that it was okay, because we are here to help each other be better.

After I wrote most of this post I told John to ask Trevan what he thought John could do to be a better daddy. Trevan told him, "Do what I ask you to do." (HA HA, I can relate...) "Like I want you to go get Battleship, so go get it." Trevan also told John, "Don't tell me to eat my food." I can't remember the other thing he told him, but it was along those same lines. It was pretty funny.

Dear Trevan,

Thanks for being you. You really are the greatest. You make me want to be a better person every day. Please forgive our mistakes, and mess ups. I'm sure there will be plenty of those along the way.

I love you,

Mom