My Grandma said I shouldn't have any more kids...

(Most of this was written over a month ago...)

I think I get to this point in all my pregnancies when I ask myself why I have kids, and I wonder if I'm just a glutton for punishment. (I know some of you are thinking,"You're just now thinking this???")

Earlier last week I had one of those days... (Even when I was typing this, my two youngest were making an orchestra consisting of a cheese grater and a whisk, and a collection of stainless steel bowls and whisks, I'm not going to lie, those thoughts were still lingering...)

I had had one of those days where I would have called my mom to commiserate. Really, I can imagine how the conversation would go without having to talk to her anyway; I know the things she would say, and the inflection in her voice as she would say them. But, it doesn't matter how old you get, sometimes you'd still just like to talk to your mother.

There are just times as a mother that at the end of the day you feel like you've failed - that you are doing a horrible job, that you are screwing up your kids, and what in the heck are you even doing??

I was laying next to Jonah to get him to stay in his big boy bed, and as I listened to him breathe deeply as he drifted off to dreamland, I just cried thinking of all the above statements.

On Sunday, I commiserated with my dad (and sisters, and anyone who would listen...) over the phone about how horrible my day was. (Trevan puking all over (and on me) on the stand at church at the end of primary program practice, finding Jonah's artwork on our perfectly clean leather chair...)

My dad retold me the story of taking the family (five kids) to get our pictures taken (probably at Olan Mills), and after waiting for an hour and a half in the lobby, my little sister, then two years old, puked all over him.

Here's the thing, I've heard that story many, many times, but let me tell you - it takes on a whole new meaning once you've had kids, and have tried to dress your family for pictures, and keep them out of the dirt, and make sure their hair looks nice, and keep them quiet in waiting room until it's your turn. It is A LOT of work to pull off a family picture. Then, after waiting an hour and a half, getting puked on? Oh my word. I never really appreciated that story until Sunday. I couldn't really have gotten it before, because I didn't have kids to really understand what all that entailed.

It's funny, but you never grow up imagining that you'll one day feel like you have to explain why you want kids, or why you want more kids when you already have some. But, here I am getting ready to do just that, despite the fact that, even today, I would have traded my daughter or two year old for a tall mug of hot chocolate...

Trust me, there are plenty of moments when I want to scream, "WHY DID I HAVE KIDS?????" Or when I say to my husband or my sisters, "Why am I doing this again??" But, there are more moments when I think to myself, "That's why I have kids, and am having more."

You often hear parents say, "I want to give my kids all the things I never had." Well, I want to give my kids the best of what I had and have, and one of those things is siblings! Life would have been so boring without them, and I would have way fewer funny stories to tell!

(Presently 12/20/12 - Yesterday, I got off the phone with my oldest brother, and he is just too funny. I got off the phone thinking how much I love my siblings. I was telling my older sister that a few hours later, and how people ask if we get along, etc. My sisters and I did not get along as children, but they are my besties now fo sho. In the past five years there has been one time that I had an issue with each sister, where I really did not like them very much... for a VERY BRIEF time period. And to our, or my, credit they were during very emotional/stressful times in our lives. I think that if we were to not get along or something our mother would haunt us from beyond. We are all different, and have different quirks, and we love each other because of them and in spite of them I guess. We like to run away together and love having our girl time! We laugh so much when we are together and I want my kids to have that same thing!)

I briefly worked for a caterer when we lived in Maryland. He was a middle aged man, and I was talking to him before an event, and I was telling him how I was a stay at home mom, and he said he thought that was wonderful, and then he told me that he and his wife only had one regret in life - that they didn't have more kids. They had three. I thought that was really interesting. He just went on and on about how he thoroughly enjoyed being a father, and most recently a grandfather for the first time.

I can not even imagine my life without my siblings. Each of them for different reasons. My siblings are all pretty awesome. I can brag about all of them for one reason or another and love them, and love being around them. And, sisters?!?!? I love my sisters, we have so much fun together. What would I do without my sisters? Especially after losing my mom. I want Mallary to have that!!

I feel like I'm creating the world that my kids are going to be living in.  I want them to have a built in support system of sorts with siblings. I feel like my sacrifice of headaches, bad days, etc. will pay off when I'm not around anymore and they need help, they will have each other to lean on. But, even now, I love seeing them turn to each other for help or comfort.

Last night, Jonah hurt his wrist or hand somehow and was in pain. Well, I sat on the couch ready to hold some ice on his hand, and Mallary jumped on the couch and said, "Here, Jonah, you can lean on me." He snuggled right against her, and she stroked his hair and kissed his head, and asked me to feel his forehead because he felt kind of hot, etc. There is just something so sweet about watching your kids love, protect, or help each other.

More than once, when Jonah has gotten hurt, he has gone to Mallary or Trevan for a hug of comfort before coming to me. I try not to let it hurt my feelings...

I'm not sure where we were when this happened, but one time, Mallary was totally scared of something. Who did she go and hide behind? Not me or John, but Trevan. It melted my heart just a little. I loved that she knew her brother would keep her safe. I just hope she always feels like that.

There is nothing that brings my kids closer together than a thunder storm...



Taken 8/14/2011 - We let them sleep together on the floor in our room during a thunder storm, and I thought this was very telling of their relationship - her brother letting her use him as a pillow.




Taken 9/2/2012 - The only way we could get them to go to bed during this storm, was if we let them sleep together in Mallary's bed. Safety in numbers I guess...

And more recently, last week, on a day that Jonah was sick, I look over and see Mallary had covered him up, snuggled up next to him and was rubbing his back and singing to him, and he fell asleep like that. It melts my heart, and makes up for those moments when I think I'm a horrible mom, and makes me think, "Well, at least I might be teaching them how to show comfort and love to someone..."

And so when strangers say to me, "Well, it looks like you sure have your hands full!" I should respond, "Yeah, and my heart is pretty full too."

Sister's Trip 2010

My sisters and I decided to carry on the tradition we started last year (when we went to Hawaii) of getting together on the anniversary of my mom's death. This year, however, that was the time I had Jonah. So, a month or so later, my sisters came to me, and we did sister things together that my mom would have also enjoyed! That includes shopping, shopping, and more shopping. We explored areas around me I haven't been able to go to yet, we went to antique stores, thrift stores, regular stores, and tried quite a few new restaurants that had been on my agenda to try! They got here on a Wednesday night and we were gone from morning until late at night Thursday, Friday, and Saturday! Our husbands (and brothers) don't understand how we could do that, but we had fun!! My friends and John watched my kids (except Jonah), and we went exploring!! It was fun! The only pictures I took of the whole weekend were of my sisters on my couches. They called ahead on Wednesday night and told me to get a certain movie. I got the movie, and they were asleep within a few minutes. It took my sister Candi all three nights to finish that movie!!!

Candi

Marianne

Friday Flashback

I've been doing a lot of cleaning (or nesting, whatever), and I came across a pile of old pictures yesterday. This one was my favorite:

This is a picture of all of my siblings and I when we were younger. I have no idea what year it was, but I'd say I'm about 7 or 8 in this picture? I'm the one in the blue sweatshirt that looks like a boy... This must have been one of the family vacation drives across the country.

Let me give you a better look at our faces:

I'm not sure why, but looking at this picture makes me get a little emotional. It looks like we are having fun, huh? I'm sure we were. I'm also sure we could have been fighting an hour before or after this picture as well. We still laugh like this when we all get together.

I look at this picture, and I not only see my siblings, but I see the type of world/surroundings I want to create for my own children. I want my children to have this; now and later.

I want Mallary to have brothers she can tag along with growing up, and in college. A brother she can call for whatever type of advice he'll end up specializing in. A brother she can look up to, and admire. I'm lucky I have two brothers, both of whom I admire and look up to. One I can call for accounting advice (or English advice, but I rarely have questions about Shakespeare), and the other is my on call physicians assistant even though he lives thousands of miles away. Though my brothers would never let me play Frisbee with them when I was growing up (I blame them for me not being very good at Frisbee to this day), I know if I needed something today they would do everything they could to help me.

I want Mallary to have sisters. Sisters can be life long friends, and life long teachers. I didn't really get along with either of my sisters growing up. I think I was a pest to my older sister, and I thought she was pretty stinky herself, and my little sister and I fought worse than most cats and dogs. We grew out of it, thank goodness, and, I'm not sure what I'd do without them now. I talk to at least one of my sisters every day, and sometimes both of them. It's funny, sometimes I'll be on the phone with one of them, and the other will either beep in calling me, or calling the one I'm on the phone with. I call them with questions, complaints, and to talk about our latest shopping finds (because, really, husbands or brothers could really care less about our shopping finds...) I can't imagine losing my mother and not having had my sisters. At times when I would have called my mom, if she were still alive, I'll call my sisters. It's not exactly the same, but at times it's close enough. Just by saying to them, "I wish I could talk to mom," and them knowing exactly how I feel, makes me feel a little better. I feel like I'll be cheating Mallary out of a huge blessing in her life if she doesn't have a sister. But, who knows? She may never get a sister... how sad would that be?

I want Trevan to have sisters too. I don't know, maybe my brothers wish they didn't have sisters sometimes, but I think boys who grow up with sisters have an advantage to boys that grow up without sisters. I think there may be less adjusting to living with a woman if a boy grows up with sisters. I want Trevan to have brothers too. Brothers to play Frisbee with, or basketball, golf, whatever. (Don't get me wrong, brothers can play sports with their sisters too - I totally played sports with my brothers, with the exception of Frisbee of course..., but I think brothers like playing sports with their brothers better?) I love to watch John with his brothers, and I want to give my son the opportunity to have that too. But, who knows? He may never get a brother... how sad would that be?

I have friends that were only children, and friends that didn't have sisters, and I've seen that they create their own kind of community of family with their friends. Any kind of community like that is wonderful, but I want to give my children that same built in community of siblings that I had and have.

I'm glad Trevan and Mallary have each other and this next little sibling. I hope there will be lots of times for them like the picture shows above with me and my siblings.

Pets Part II

I’m not sure what year it was, but I was in middle school and Christmas was approaching. I really wanted a dog, and I felt like I had worn down my parents enough that I might have a chance of finding one underneath the Christmas tree.

My sister, Candi, was home from college for Christmas vacation and the conversation of me getting a dog came up at the dinner table. She jumped into the conversation telling mom and dad why I shouldn’t get a dog, and I thought I saw my chances of getting a dog slipping away. She was ruining it! Before dessert was even served I had my revenge planned.

I was supposed to be in bed already, but instead I was quickly and quietly tee-peeing my sister’s room. I can’t remember everything I did, but I knew she had some sort of allergies, so I took every bottle of perfume I could find and put some on the toilet paper, bedding, and just sprayed them all in the air. That room stunk! Feeling somewhat vindicated, I finished and went to bed. I heard her come up the stairs, and waited for it… “DAAAAAD!”

She had found my presents and apparently did not appreciate them. She came to the doorway of my room and stood there. I, of course was “asleep,” but eventually was told to get out of bed and clean up the mess.

Well, I was still very angry cleaning up the mess while Candi showered. I decided she ruined my chances at getting a dog, so I was going to ruin her chances of getting a good nights sleep. I filled a few cups full of water and dumped them on her sheets. The bed spread was pulled up over them, so by the time she found it I would really be asleep, or so I thought.

Once again, I was “sleeping,” and heard “DAAAD!”

My punishment was to sleep on the mattress I had poured the water on. That only lasted a few minutes before my dad came in and put a thin (dry) mattress on the box springs for me to sleep on.

That Christmas Eve, I still thought I was getting a dog for sure! I observed dad closely that day, and it seemed like he had to go out to the garage a lot. I thought he was going out there to check on and feed my dog. I fully expected there to be puppy toy in my stocking or a note under the Christmas tree telling me I had a present in the garage. I remember even asking Dad if there were any more presents.

Unfortunately, the revenge incident must have put me on the naughty list, because Christmas morning came and went without a puppy.