Midnight Musings

1.  Painstakingly, finding red, white, and blue outfits for the fourth of July, and everyone changing into their swimsuits before you can even take a picture to document the happy patriotic family.

2.  Doing your daughter's hair totally cute (which is a big deal, because she rarely lets you), and you don't get a picture to capture it.  Instead, you have fifty pictures of a child who looks homeless a lot.

3.  My 18 month old baby goes to church barefoot.  Barefoot...  He can walk.  He has shoes.  For some reason, they don't make it to his feet?

4.  Speaking of shoes... Why is there only one mate to all of my children's shoes in the right place?  We have some order here.  Definitely for shoes.  There are two places the shoes go.  Legitimate places.  Some even LABELED!  With their names!  Why aren't they there???  I find shoes in the most random places.  Mallary, should your shoes be in your basket that has all of your doll toys in them?  No.  No, they should not. 

5.  Why is it that people only come to your house when it's messy?  How come never when I actually get it spotless?  (5% of the time, so I get it that the odds are not in my favor...)

6.  Did you know that the average family has three or four strollers?  It's true.  I have five.  I almost bought a jogging stroller, then I would have had six.  You just need different strollers for different occasions.  You do.  But, it does seem a bit excessive.  One of my strollers was so dirty and beat up.  I was telling someone it was kind of embarrassing taking it into nice places.  Someone overheard and said, "You should look at the scuffs and dirt on your stroller and be proud!  It shows you go places, you do things, that your babies haven't just sat at home their whole lives!"  She made me feel so good about that turning it around to look at that way!  It's true, that stroller had been across the country multiple times,  it had been to lakes and beaches and mountains.  It had been strawberry picking, and blueberry picking, and blackberry picking, and peach picking.  It had been to parks and malls and fairs.  It was well used!  I did get a new one anyway, but the well loved one is now used exclusively for dirty jobs like strawberry picking and camping and such! 

7.  Speaking of dirty jobs, I need to clean my kitchen. 

Are you tired? Are you a mother?

It's a family joke.  We'd walk into the living room with the sun's rays streaming into it and see a familiar scene.  Our mother would be sitting there - head slightly bowed, her chin trying to reach her chest, holding her scriptures in her hands on her lap.  Her eyes would most definitely be closed.  Sometimes she would wake up upon our arrival in the room.  She would grin and tell us she was reading her scriptures.  Even as an adult when I would call home and I'd ask what she was doing, if she responded that she was reading her scriptures I would say, "You mean, taking a nap?"

I get it now.  Motherhood is exhausting.  Exxxhauuuustiiiing...

I'm not even talking about the staying up at night with babies exhausting - you guys, it gets more exhausting than that.  For real.

"What??!!" I know you are thinking that in your head, but it's true. 

The emotional and and mental exhaustion is worse I think.  Then, add that to the physical exhaustion of just doing the regular things like working, running a house hold, making dinner, laundry, running non-stop from sport practice, swimming, scouts, trying to have some kind of relationship with your husband and your friends, church responsibilities, or whatever.

Then, add to that, battling your daughter to brush her hair, or to do her homework, or for your kids to clean up their rooms, or to stop bothering each other, or to pick up their messes, or to remind your son for the five hundredth time to do something, or trying to understand why your son doesn't want to try his best, or figuring out what the heck a teacher is talking about, or trying to find that library book that is overdue, or trying to keep your kids from getting hit by a car in a parking lot, or signing the loads of papers that come home from school, or trying to keep your kids from looking like wild animals in the grocery store, or why you keep getting notes home that a child has lunch charges when they pack their lunch, or telling your child to put all the cushions back on the couch, or OH MY GOODNESS, WILL YOU PLEASE STOP PICKING ON YOUR BROTHER!!!!!!

Then my head explodes, and it's no wonder that by nine o'clock in the evening I am asleep on the couch.  You guys nine in the evening is my new one o'clock in the morning!  I'm supposed to be working at nine in the evening...  I guess four kids is my magic number where I feel like I can't accomplish anything else but staying alive and keeping my family alive.  Not always with their hair combed or brushed, but alive.

I hear it doesn't get any easier with teenagers either, just a different set of issues.  Then, last week a "mature" lady in the store was sitting while her daughter shopped and started asking me about my kids, then she told me that a mother's job is the hardest job in the world and one that you can never retire from.  (I was already pretty tired that day and that thought just made me more tired.)  She said, you hurt when they hurt, you're happy when their happy, it's the hardest job, but the best job.   

I remember my first assignment at my first internship for my college degree.  I was given an assignment, a folder, and a desk.  You guys, I sat at that desk, opened the folder, put my head in my hands and wanted to cry.  It was so overwhelming! I had no idea where to start or what exactly to do.  (It was planning a dinner cruise for the seniors in the community - I laugh now because I could rock that planning in no time!) I felt like my mind was blank and I couldn't even wrap it around how to even begin, I felt so under qualified. 

Oh, hi.  That's what motherhood feels like sometimes.  Most of the time?  99% of the time?  I feel like John and I are always trying to figure out a new way, a better way, a different way to approach one thousand different things.  Try figuring out what makes your kids tick - oh, you think you have it figured out - then it changes or doesn't work anymore.  Think of something that really annoys you about your husband... I've found that it gets to a point that you have these things about your kids that really annoy you.  You have more than one kid?  You have more things annoying you!  Just like I can't change my husband and force him to be on time, I can't change that one (or more!) thing(s) about my child either!  Oh, the emotional exhaustion!!!  Oh the patience I have to try and muster!

I've started to pray to ask for a huge dose of patience and a huge dose of kindness.  It's sad to admit but sometimes those things that annoy me make me become not very kind.  When I act or speak unkind to my children it makes me feel like a horrible person - bring on more emotional exhaustion. 

My kids will eventually pick up that when I get into that super nice, quiet voice, "Will you please go get your shoes and socks on?" that I'm about to lose my mind and I'm trying to keep it together, so they'll listen because I'm being nice, right?  Wrong.  I just realized this morning that I think when Mallary hears that voice she's thinking, "Oh, mom's getting ready to lose it, let's see if she can keep it together while I continue not listening to her for the next ten minutes!" 

Sometimes, I think back to my child honeymoon.  What's that you ask?  The days where it was just Trevan and I and we'd spend our days shopping, or taking naps on the couch, or watching Ellen, or how he would get to play in the bathtub almost every night.  It seems like such a different world, I wish I have really appreciated and enjoyed it more.  I did, but compared to now, I can really look back and appreciate how wonderful it really was! Hindsight is always clearer I guess...

One evening a few weeks ago, I realized I had been on my feet all day, non stop, except to stop and nurse Everett. I was exhausted, but still had some errands I wanted to run.  First stop was the library, to return a book I had had found in our yard sale box that had been in our house for eight months.  It was supposed to be like an eight dollar fee. ($21 if I never returned the book)  I'm standing at the book counter trying to wrangle all four of my children (though Jonah should count for three extra children in public), I couldn't find my library card (oh yeah, it was on my key chain, duh!), I had kids complaining that they wanted to hold their movie or their book, I felt pretty frazzled.  I had cash in my hands ready to pay my fine, and the library clerk said, "Oh, don't worry about it, I took care of it for you."  I looked at her, we shared this eye contact for a moment as if she was saying to me, "I've been there.  You'll make it.  Let me do something nice for you."  I thanked her multiple times and I really wanted to cry. 

Then, I headed to the grocery store.  (I know, I was a glutton for punishment that day I guess...)  Oh my goodness the kids were pretty crazy.  Sometimes, while shopping with my kids there are moments that you feel that people are just staring at you, judging how you parent, etc, and oh well, but it adds to my impatience in the grocery store.  So, I checkout and get to the van, the kids climb in and a lady came up to me who I had passed in the store a few times and asked if she could help me load the groceries and take the cart.  I thanked her and told her not to worry about it, and she said, "Are you sure?  I'd love to help.  I've been there, I know how it is." 

Sometimes people are sooo kind! I was so tired that evening but just having those experiences with those two kind women lightened my load.  I don't know if it's the fact that they validated how I felt about being a mother that day, or what.  But, it made me feel better! 

You guys, I'm beat.  If parenthood is a game, I'm losing 500 to 3 or some kind of odds like that.  Mallary is totally kicking my rear.  I think I fall asleep at night mostly out of defeat!  Ha!

But, seriously.  I used to tell people it was never too late to call my house.  Well, things have changed.  I have a new schedule.  If you call after 8:30, I'm probably asleep on the couch, most likely with a sleeping Everett in my arms.  Nursing him to sleep puts me out too.  Last night, I believe John bought me the phone multiple times after I had already fallen asleep.  I only remember one of the conversations.  (He has a hard time telling people, that I'm asleep for some reason...) So, if you called me last night, you might want to call me again!

However, if you'd like, you can reach me at four AM.  That's my new schedule.  I fall asleep early, get up and work early (like 3 AM early), and I'm starting to like it.  Call me crazy.  It's quiet, I'm awake and alert, I like starting the day feeling like I already was productive!  I think it makes me a happier mom in the mornings.  However, I miss late night TV (I know there is Hulu, but ain't nobody got time for that!) and hanging out with my husband.  So, we'll see how long it lasts.  It's been a big deal for me to finally let go of the fact that I'm not in college anymore and I can't stay up late and watch TV!  Though, this motherhood gig lately has kind of forced me to do so.

Being a mom is tough...

So, high five to you moms out there!  I'm not going to tell you to 'count your blessings,' or say 'they are only little once' like those comments you usually get in the grocery store (though good, not helpful to a mom having a bad day).  I'm going to say keep on keepin' on, I feel your pain.  We can do it!

We can... 

Right? 

Dear Jonah,

This afternoon, I had nothing to do. No pressing matters, no fires to put out, no shows to prepare for, etc. etc. So, I thought I would take the opportunity to just snuggle with you on the couch. And, I was tired, so if it turned into a group nap, I was okay with that. But, we kept getting interrupted with...

Trevan: "Mom, how do you spell ______?" (He was writing sentences) (All on his own) (I should also add that he was putting a period after each word. I helped him understand he only needs one at the end) (I'm sure there is some rule against putting so many parenthesis right after each other...) (I digress.)

Mallary: "I'm hungry. (She'd already had a snack)

Trevan: "How do you spell _______?"

Mallary: Kicking the couch

Me to Mallary: "Do you need a time out?"

Trevan: "How do you spell________?"

Mallary: "I have to go potty." (I told her the bathroom door was open)

Trevan: "Mallary used a ton of toilet paper!!" (as he flushed the toilet...)

I'm sorry Jonah, but that is where our snuggle time ended. I wanted to just relax and hold you, and look into your beautiful blue eyes, and smother your cheeks with kisses, (Did you ever realize that the word, 'mother' is in the word, 'smother?' Very fitting I think.) but it was short lived. I love spending time with you. We'll try again tomorrow.

Oh, and luckily, the ton of toilet paper flushed down on the first try. Thank goodness.

I love your chubby little cheeks.

Love you,

Mom

I lied.

I know I said that I would never post vomit or poop on this blog. Well...

This happened two times in one week...

Actually, Jonah doesn't have as many blowouts as our other kids had, AND he has only peed on us twice. Trevan peed almost every time we changed his diaper.

I'm sorry, I just had to document it. Don't you see how relaxed Jonah is after getting all of that out?

Okay, I promise that I will never post a picture of vomit on this blog. If I do, somebody make me stop blogging at that point.

Losing

I've been thinking a lot about this whole parenting thing lately... Maybe it has to do with Trevan starting school. I'm going to group my thoughts into three parts for easier reading (and writing).

PART I: LOSING IT

A week ago today, was not a good day. Mallary crumbling up and throwing her chocolate cake all over the kitchen didn't help the situation, and neither did her peeing in the floor of her room. Trevan wasn't listening to me, Mallary wasn't listening to me, the house was a mess, I was trying to get stuff done, it was a BAD day...

That evening as we drove to my sister's house, I was still fuming. I sat in the front seat mentally writing a letter to my kids. It went something like this:

Dear kids,

Today was a bad day.

(Then I listed all the things they did that wasn't good, and all the things I needed to do, and why it was stressful. Then it turned in a different direction.)

I hope I'm still around when you have your own kids, and that I'm close by. If I am, and you're having a day like the day I had today, call me. I'll come over.

Love,

Mom

Then on Monday evening this week, I was so overwhelmed with it all. I didn't know where to begin with the one thousand things I had to do, with dealing with my children fighting, with dealing with getting them to listen to me, with their mess all around, making dinner, etc. etc. I sat down on the couch holding Jonah... and just sat there. I sat there and listened to Mallary and Trevan fight, watching them make a mess, wanting to do a lot of things, but I was just too tired to take any action. I didn't say a thing, I didn't respond to their bickering, or Mallary's whining. I just sat there.

I felt like I was suffocating. Maybe I didn't feel like I was suffocating, but the word popped into my head at the moment. The weight of it all was just too much. John came home, and I just sat there. We'd already discussed grilling for dinner, and luckily, he's a good man, and jumped to action. He had the kids straighten up, and he put dinner together.

It's like you've chosen your major in college, and went out and got your first job in that major, and it didn't turn out exactly how you had pictured it. You question yourself, "what was I thinking???"

I chose to be a mother. I chose to stay home with my kids. On days like those, I have to admit, I think to myself, "What was I thinking? "Am I going to make it?" "What am I doing wrong?"

Being a mother often requires one to have a perpetual pep talk in their head, "You can do this... It's only a phase... It will get better... "

It does get better... stay tuned for Part II

Dear Jonah,

I don't think I could survive without you right now. You bring me the calm I need amongst the chaos of my life. I can be totally frustrated at one moment about to lose my mind (with your brother and sister teasing each other and screaming), and the next moment interacting with you makes me want to have five more kids. (Not really, but I totally understand how good babies can make you want more babies...)

You've made me want to be a better mother, just in your four short months of life. I love holding you, and wish I could do it all day. I love hearing and watching you "talk." I love watching you sleep. I love kissing your chubby cheeks. I love how you hold on to me when I hold you or feed you. I love watching you figure out your world. I love how you can instantly fill me with pure happiness.

I just love you to pieces. And, there's something about you that helps keep me from falling to pieces.

XO

Midnight Mothering Moment

Okay, so this is more of a fathering moment I had to record.

Lately, Mallary goes to bed, but then about 30 minutes later she decides she doesn't want to be in bed anymore.

Her get out of bed free pass is, she tells us she has to go "poopy."

At first, we thought it was just a delay tactic. It actually is, but she has gone poop on the potty more times than not. No, she's not potty trained yet either.

Tonight, she did not want to be in bed.

After she went potty one time (she ended up going three times) I could hear John being totally annoyed.

Him to Mallary: Do you just want to go to bed in five hours?

Mallary: No.

John: Do you want ice cream?

Mallary: Yes.

John: Do you want a lot of candy?

Mallary: Yes. (At this point, you could hear the excitement in Mallary's voice, like she couldn't believe daddy was going to give her these things.)

John: Well, then go to bed and you can have some in the morning.

Mallary: Nooooo...

John: If you go to bed now, you can eat all the candy and ice cream you want in the morning.

He was getting desperate, can you tell?

My Midnight Mothering Moment

My baby has been asleep since 7 PM.

It is now 12:22 AM.

He's so good...

So, I should be sleeping too, right?

You would think.

I enjoy this quiet time.

Time for me to think, to unwind, to regroup.

Trust me.

I need the regrouping.

I only had all three of my kids by myself since 4:30 PM today.

I should be able to handle that.

Right?

I put them to bed at 6:30 PM.

I've never put them to bed that early.

Ever.

I put them to bed with books at least.

That makes me less mean...

Doesn't it?

I had to feed Jonah and my other kids at the same time.

Mallary took advantage of that.

There is taco meat all over my kitchen floor to prove it.

I even made her pick up the big pieces and put them in the trash.

That took over thirty minutes.

So... yeah... 6:30...

It's been a quiet night.

Except for the little coos and grunts that Jonah makes in his sleep.

I love those.