Recent Read

Last month I read, The Long Walk by Slavomir Rawicz. It's the authors re-telling of when he and a small group of fellow prisoners escaped a Soviet labor camp. "They crossed an entire continent - the Siberian arctic, the Gobi Desert and then the Himalayas - with nothing but an ax, a knife, and a week's worth of food."

I enjoy reading true stories from during war times of how people overcome incredible odds and hardships. Though, it breaks my heart to read how human beings can be treated so poorly by other human beings.

The first part of this book you witness how the author was treated so inhumanely, and then the last part of this book you witness how we really should treat others. As the author and his companions made their journey from the labor camp, I loved seeing how willing the Mongolian, Asian, and Indian people were to help them, and offer them aid while on their trek.

This part of the book stuck out to me: They came across a Mongolian man on their long trek, and he fed them, and gave them parting gifts. As the men said good-bye to this man that had opened his home to them, this was said:

"Marchinkovas spoke for us all when he said, "These people make one feel very humble. They do a lot to wipe out bitter memories of other people who have lost their respect for humanity."

These innocent men were treated so poorly while imprisoned, and then to read about how kind complete strangers were to them was really neat to read about.

Good read.

Blogging Book Club

I'm sure you'll be happy to know that this is the last post on this book. I wanted to finish it up before the New Year and move on with my literary life.

I did enjoy this book, and for what it made me think about.

I finished this book this past summer while I was at the fair, and let me tell you two experiences of what happened.

So, I am waiting in line to take a shower at the bathhouse at the fair, and I bought this book to read while I was waiting. Having gone to the fair my whole life, I knew to bring toilet paper to the bathroom in the mornings, because the staff usually hasn't restocked it that early. Well, not very many other people come that prepared, and I wasn't really thinking about it because I was reading, when I started noticing people in line telling the people coming in the bathroom that there wasn't any toilet paper. I had my roll in my bag, and I thought to myself, "I could be "kind" and let all these people use my toilet paper." So, I did. Would I have done the same thing even if I hadn't been reading this book? Probably, but it did make me feel good knowing I was reading about kindness, and I let strangers use all my toilet paper.

I think it was the next day, I was taking a shower in the bathhouse at the fair, and I could have stood under that hot water for HOURS it felt so good. I was done washing everything, but I was just standing there enjoying the hot water. All of a sudden, the book about kindness popped in my head, and I thought to myself, "I guess it's not very kind of me to stand here using up all the hot water while people wait." So, I ended my shower.

Sure, those are piddly examples of being kind. But, reading this book, and posting about it, has made me think more about kindness than I usually would. Could I still be a kinder person? Sure. I just like how this book has made me think about it a little more.

I posted a few thoughts below from each of the chapters I haven't reviewed yet, but left out two of the chapters because nothing too exceptional stood out to me from those.

CHAPTER ON GRATITUDE ("The Easiest Way to be Happy"):

"The ability to see value even in humble, unremarkable situations is essential to our happiness." (p. 227)

"Gratitude is a realistic view of what we are." When we we have an attitude of gratefulness, "we discover that happiness is already here. It already exists, unsuspected. Right in front of our eyes." (p. 235)

CHAPTER ON SERVICE:

Service "frees us from the prison of our own ego." (p. 251)

"Service is not just what you do, but what you are. Sometimes certain people, by their mere presence, make us feel better, more in contact with ourselves, happier." (p.245) One semester while I was in college, I had moved back home to attend a University close by and ended up having some of the most challenging few months of my life. I made a wonderful new friend named Julia, who is the epitome of that previous quote. Just her being in my life was the greatest service I could have received at that time. She is, hands down, one of the happiest, funniest, bubbliest people I know, and even though I probably haven't seen her since my wedding I will always love her, and treasure her friendship, and the service her "mere presence" made in my life.

CHAPTER ON JOY ("Our Natural State"):

I loved this chapter. The author talked about how we were born to be happy. I so believe that, and that is what my religion teaches, "Man are that they might have joy."

The author tells us to ask ourselves, "what is it that makes us happy," and then "We need only to get on with it." (p. 262)

The author tells of an old Eastern story where God wants to reward a man for his great kindness and pure heart. He tells an angel to go tell the man that he can have whatever his heart desires. The man doesn't want anything, but the angel tells him he has to choose something, so the man says, "I would like all who come in contact with me to feel well. But I want to know nothing about it." "From that moment, wherever the kind man happens to be, wilted plants bloom again, sickly animals grow strong, ill people are healed, the unhappy are relieved of their burdens, those who fight make peace, and those beset by problems resolve them. And all this happens without the kind man's knowing - always in his wake, but never in front of his eyes. There is never any pride, nor any expectation. Unknowing and content, the kindly man walks the roads of the world, spreading happiness to everybody." (p. 264)

CONCLUSION:

"When we are kind, we are more concerned with others, therefore less enslaved by our ego and its tyranny; the monsters of anxiety and depression have fewer hooks; the blocks and the encumbrances caused by excessive attention to ourselves disappear.

Strange perhaps, and paradoxical, but true: The most sensible way to further our own interests, to find our own freedom, and to glimpse our own happiness, is often not to pursue these goals directly, but to look after other people's interests, to help other people be freer from fear and pain, to contribute to their happiness. Ultimately, it is all very simple. There is no choice between being kind to others and being kind to ourselves. It is the same thing." (p. 274).

Blogging Book Club

I know!

Two in one day! Let's just say I'm feeling very generous.

CHAPTER 11 - GENEROSITY - Redefining Boundaries

(BBEP, BEEP, BEEP - I interrupt this regular scheduled programing to say that Trevan just called a Tootsie Roll a "Turkey Roll.")

"For the generous person, borders are permeable. What is yours - your suffering, your problems - is also mine: This is compassion. What is mine - my possessions, my body, my knowledge and abilities, my time and resources, my energy - is also yours: This is generosity." (p. 150)

"Nothing is nobler and more beautiful than someone spontaneously giving... Do we give out of habit, guilt, social pressure? Do we give so as to obtain a tax deduction, or to show off, or because it is good publicity?" (p.152)

The tax deduction is the one that bugs me, it always has, especially having worked in non-profit. Are we giving to give, or are we giving only if there is something in it for me? When people ask me for something I ignore the whole tax deduction part, that's not the reason I give. When working for non-profit, I loved hearing people say when asked if they want the tax deduction form to not worry about it. (For the record, there's nothing wrong with it, I just like it when people want to give to give, and not care if they get something in return, except that warm fuzzy feeling.)

The author talks about how we can be generous with ourselves, sharing us with others. He talks about how we keep a lot of experiences to ourselves and only communicate the easy stuff.

"However, it is through sharing of our inner life, of the richest and most fertile part of ourselves, that relationships grow rich and enjoyable. Out relationships are defined by how much of ourselves we communicate." (p. 154)

"We also know as a documented fact that poorer people, proportionally to their income, give more to charity than richer people. It seems having little money keeps them more in touch with the values that count, or perhaps it is because it helps them understand the discomfort of lacking what is vital. Or maybe it's because the pain of need keeps alight the flame of compassion." (p. 159)

Also, having worked in non-profit this was very evident in fundraising; the smaller towns were able to raise more many than the larger cities with larger incomes. It's also about a sense of community, and that is harder to foster in a bigger city.

The author tells a story of what happened when a tribe in South Kenya heard of the tragedy of September 11th:

"Dressed in their multicolored garments, they held a solemn meeting and decided they would send their most precious possession - sixteen cows - to the people of New York to help them in this difficult moment. These people, who had known the torment of hunger, were now ready to give up their food to show their solidarity to other human beings they had never met."

"Generosity is exactly this: to give that which is dearest to us. It is an act that transforms us. After it, we will be poorer, but we will feel richer... We will have made the world we live in a little kinder." (p. 160)

Blogging Book Club

Discussing: The Power of Kindness
Chapter 4: CONTACT - To Touch and to Be Touched

Am I really only on Chapter 4? Ugh.

At the beginning of this chapter the author talks about how we reach our peak of contact at the age of five months. The age that a baby will grace a stranger with a "radiant smile, a gift of happiness," and how that is "contact, in its pure form." At about seven months the baby may start to experience stranger anxiety, and then for a lot of people it's down hill from there.

He also talks about his eccentric friend who was standing in line behind a man that was attempting to scratch his back and she asks, "Excuse me, would you like me to scratch your back for you?" Most of us would probably not do that, but she was not afraid of contact.

I liked this quote in the book; " But our lives are poorer without the nourishment that these people can give - nourishment in the form of stimuli, different points of view, fresh emotions." He was talking about people that decide to keep their distance from others. He gives some reasons why some do like to keep their distance, "we feel inferior and other people appear to us as better and more intelligent; or we feel superior, and we think contact with others is a waste of time." To the we feel inferior comment, I heard this somewhere, "if you are letting someone make you feel inferior remind yourself that they have to sit on a toilet and poop too." Weird I know, but in a way, helpful. :)

The author talks about how extroverts have advantages in making contact with others, that it can be a talent, knowing the right things to say, feeling at ease. But, he said we should be open to contact, "It is an attitude in which the other is seen as a window to a new world, a way for us to grow."

The author talks about being fully present. "In encounters with another, we often use some reassuring prop: to be well dressed, for example, or to have an impressive professional role, or to be in touch with an important person, or to have in hand the latest model cell phone. Such aids reassure us and might appear to facilitate interactions, but in fact they reduce its quality. They distract us from what really counts." He asks why we use them, and answers his question with, "we feel naked. We are exposed, defenseless. All we have is our being... so, we protect ourselves with roles, masks, and other props."

"Contact is a door through which kindness can flow." "You find an attitude that makes you feel that this person is right there, just for you. That you are her or his priority at that moment. That you count." I'm going to have to be honest with you, I don't think I am very kind sometimes. Sometimes when I am talking with people, they aren't my priority at that moment, and I don't like trying to pretend that they are. But, I want to be. I want to be genuinely interested, and I want them to be front and center, but I'm not nice like that. My mom was. One more thing to aspire to, I guess. I don't ever remember being able to notice when my mom was talking to someone being able to tell that she didn't really want to be, but there had to be times, and maybe she was just a really good faker. But, I think she was genuinely interested, and cared about people enough to be willing to stop and listen. For a woman that had teeny feet she left a pretty big footstep to try and fill.

Closing with a quote, of course, "Right in the midst of everyday life we are given the chance to touch the lives of others and thus change the world."

We change the world and ourselves. When we make meaningful contact with others it uplifts them, but it raises us up too.

Blogging Book Club

Discussing: The Power of Kindness by Piero Ferrucci
Chapter 2: WARMTH - The Temperature of Happiness

"Everyday, countless people die or die a little bit for want of warmth; children left alone; underpaid and exploited workers; old people, lonely and forgotten by everyone in the anonymous world of big cities. And every day, thousands of people compensate for their chronic loveless state by all kinds of substitutes: filling themselves with food, pursuing loveless sex, seeking illusory happiness in the wonderlands of consumerism, or becoming violent." (p.28)

My mother's hands were always icy, but her aura exuded warmth. I know that is one reason why people loved her so much. The kindness in her eyes was the warmth overflowing from her soul, and people could see that. Like the author says, "Warmth then becomes a metaphor. It is no longer just a biological necessity, it is a quality we see in someone's eyes, hear in her voice, sense in the way she greets us. It is at the very heart of kindness." (p.31) That is something I miss from my mom, her very presence was warm and loving. If she were silent I could still feel her love for me.

The author relayed a story about when his grandfather died that I could totally relate to, "I was riding, for the first time in my life, in the car carrying the coffin. From it I could see how the outside world was responding to our passage. It was a clearly visible reaction. People stopped and let us pass, some took their hats off, some made the sign of the cross. It signified respect and recognition: Someone had died and others were in mourning. I felt comforted: Death was no longer a lonely event." (p.33) The author then tells us that 30 years later his mother died, same city, itinerary, and procedure, and no one even paused. "I felt I was in a colder, more distracted world." (p.34)

I had been telling John for years that when he sees a funeral procession he needs to stop, pull over, etc., he has never believed me or listened to me. After my mom's funeral, we drove to the cemetery, and John was shocked; all the cars in front of us were pulling over, and all the cars coming in the opposite direction stopped and pulled over. I still get goosebumps thinking about it today. They were showing their respect, and it felt good. I thought my mom deserved to have the whole world stop in that moment, not just my town, and seeing those motorists stop really did fill me with warmth.

Recently, a funeral procession came through an intersection I was stopped at already, and most people stopped, but when the light turned green someone honked, and another person went through, I honestly wanted to put my car in park, get out of the car and tell someone off. That wouldn't have been showing my "warmth," but it bugs me that people can't take a second of their lives to show a little respect. (I gave them the benefit of the doubt that maybe they weren't aware of the reason we were all stopped...)

This chapter had a lot of interested points and parallels, I'll leave you with just one more... "When we stroke a purring cat, who is giving and who is receiving warmth? Or, when we enjoy someone's company, who is warmed by the relationship? And when we hold a newborn baby, who gives and who receives the tenderness? If we give warmth, we do not end up feeling cold. The benefit is symmetrical. In giving our warmth - and so too our vital presence, our positive, nonjudgmental attitude, our heart - we can bring into the lives of those near to us vital, sometimes extraordinary, changes. And we, too, do not remain unchanged." (p.37)

That must be one reason why my mother was so extraordinary.

Blogging Book Club

The Introduction:

With this book, I decided to go chapter by chapter. It talks about a lot of the qualities I hope my children will have, and that I will try to teach them, so I am going to comment on each quality/chapter; kind of Tuesday with Morrie-ish.

I know it seems kind of funny to read a book about kindness. Like, duh, kindness is good, we know that already. I don't know if it was that the preface was written by The Dalai Lama that caught my attention or that the author of the book was looking at kindness from a scientific perspective that made me interested in reading this book. I guess I liked the concept, and now after reading, I thought the book made me look at the term, kindness, a little different.

In the introduction the author talks a little bit about what scientific research has shown about kindness, which isn't surprising, "kind people are healthier and live longer, are more popular and productive, have greater success in business, and are happier than others." The author looked at it from another perspective too, "If we are healthier when we are caring, empathic, and open to others, it means we are born to be kind... Yes, we are designed to be kind." (p. 4-5)

I like that the author says we are in the midst of a "global cooling." He says, "Human relations are becoming colder. Communications are becoming more hurried and impersonal. Values such as profit and efficiency are taking on greater importance at the expense of human warmth and genuine presence." For example, emails instead of talking to someone, automated recordings, older people not being taken care of, children playing video games instead of kickball in the back yard, etc. Instead, he says, human warmth is being sold as a product, "homemade ice cream, pasta just like Grandma used to make, the car that makes you feel you are back in the womb, etc." (p.9-10)

I thought it was interesting that the author would note, "the Ice Age we are passing through is worrisome, and I am not surprised that it goes hand in hand with the epidemic of depression and panic attacks, probably the two psychological disturbances most linked to lack of warmth and of a reassuring and protective community, and to a weakened sense of belonging." (p.11)

"My thesis is that true kindness is a strong, genuine, warm way of being. It is the result of the interplay among several qualities, such as warmth, trust, patience, loyalty, gratitude, and many others. Each chapter in this book will be about kindness seen from the standpoint of one of these qualities. It will be a variation on the same musical theme." (p.7-8)

First quality to be discussed in my next post: Honesty