At the beach today

I went to the beach today in  Ft. Myers, Florida.  I lounged on a chair in the fine, white sand.  The sun was super bright and warm overhead.  I was enjoying listening to someone’s radio down the beach or  maybe it was coming from the pool.    

Then, a tear involuntarily slid from my eye bringing me back to the present.  I was reclined in a dentist’s chair.  The sun was actually the bright light overhead, illuminating my small mouth for the Dentist to see.  I fought hard to go back to Florida. 

I was able to get back, now sitting closer to the surf digging for clams.  I could feel the sand in between my fingers and toes.  A wave would break forcing water to reach me, and I’d watch the clams dig their way back beneath the sand.  It’s August and the water is warmer than bath water.  No good waves unfortunately, that’s what you get when you are in the gulf.  I’m back in the lounge chair enjoying the view of the ocean and sky; like I was on the edge of the earth.

My hands were shaking.  The tear still frozen in place on my cheek; refusing to drop lower beneath the shaded glasses they gave me to wear as if not wanting to be exposed.  I knew if I didn’t get back to the beach I just might lose it.  I could feel the anxiety rising.  My mouth started trembling. 

I found myself ducking under a wave.  Then another.    I was now in the Outerbanks.  Now, I’m riding a wave.  Now, I’m under the umbrella enjoying the shade.  I was really struggling to stay there…  I couldn’t stay focused on one spot.  I was all over that beach.

All that hypno birthing practice was good for something I guess.  It didn’t work for labor, but that’s how I cope with the dentist.  Our bodies are pretty crazy.  I wasn’t in pain at the dentist today, but painful visits eight years ago have left a pretty bad impact on my psyche.  If I let myself think too much about it while sitting in that dentist chair, it’s like my subconscious just takes over.  I shake, tears start to fall. I picture myself getting out of the chair.  I picture myself asking them to get their hands out of my mouth, or picturing myself having to control my breathing or something like a full-fledged panic attack.  Not even kidding.  It’s never gotten that bad, but I think if I let myself it would totally go there…  The hypno birthing cd I fell asleep to almost every night when I was pregnant with Trevan at least helps me with the dentist.  It basically just has you focus on something else, or puts yourself in a different place.  I wonder if there is a thing called hypno parenting where you can just tune out all the annoying things that you have to deal with as a parent.   I guess that would be called drugs.  Just say no to those, how about a safe hypo parenting option?  That’s probably reading or something.  Anyhoo… Tangent.  

Today, I got a cavity filled and a crown.  Not the pretty, sparkly, tiara kind of crown either.  The Novocain, drilling, impression, 2 hours in a dentist chair, $400 kind of crown.  This year, I’ve had a bad abscess, gone to the dentist, gone to another dentist for a root canal, been on antibiotics twice, back to the dentist today, and then back in a little over a week.  I get so much anxiety leading up to these visits, guys.   Oh my goodness.  I literally have to force myself not to go there (to an anxious, crazy place) in my head.  It so stresses me out!!

You guys, put me in the hospital to have a baby, but send me to the dentist????  I just can’t handle it.  This only started 8 years ago, when I went to the dentist after having Trevan and I had like 12 cavities after never having any!  It was a nightmare.  At the end of it, I can guarantee that that dentist did not like me either.  He complained about my mouth being too small, and how I couldn’t possibly feel what I just said I felt. I would leave that office and just cry. 

Kind of like today.  But, part of that was because I had to spend $400 on a tooth!  Not on something fun like shoes, a new yard, or like, a trip to the beach in real life! 

Oh well, I'll go back and visit Ft. Myers again in about a week….  I'll just keep telling myself that...