My Grandma said I shouldn't have any more kids...

(Most of this was written over a month ago...)

I think I get to this point in all my pregnancies when I ask myself why I have kids, and I wonder if I'm just a glutton for punishment. (I know some of you are thinking,"You're just now thinking this???")

Earlier last week I had one of those days... (Even when I was typing this, my two youngest were making an orchestra consisting of a cheese grater and a whisk, and a collection of stainless steel bowls and whisks, I'm not going to lie, those thoughts were still lingering...)

I had had one of those days where I would have called my mom to commiserate. Really, I can imagine how the conversation would go without having to talk to her anyway; I know the things she would say, and the inflection in her voice as she would say them. But, it doesn't matter how old you get, sometimes you'd still just like to talk to your mother.

There are just times as a mother that at the end of the day you feel like you've failed - that you are doing a horrible job, that you are screwing up your kids, and what in the heck are you even doing??

I was laying next to Jonah to get him to stay in his big boy bed, and as I listened to him breathe deeply as he drifted off to dreamland, I just cried thinking of all the above statements.

On Sunday, I commiserated with my dad (and sisters, and anyone who would listen...) over the phone about how horrible my day was. (Trevan puking all over (and on me) on the stand at church at the end of primary program practice, finding Jonah's artwork on our perfectly clean leather chair...)

My dad retold me the story of taking the family (five kids) to get our pictures taken (probably at Olan Mills), and after waiting for an hour and a half in the lobby, my little sister, then two years old, puked all over him.

Here's the thing, I've heard that story many, many times, but let me tell you - it takes on a whole new meaning once you've had kids, and have tried to dress your family for pictures, and keep them out of the dirt, and make sure their hair looks nice, and keep them quiet in waiting room until it's your turn. It is A LOT of work to pull off a family picture. Then, after waiting an hour and a half, getting puked on? Oh my word. I never really appreciated that story until Sunday. I couldn't really have gotten it before, because I didn't have kids to really understand what all that entailed.

It's funny, but you never grow up imagining that you'll one day feel like you have to explain why you want kids, or why you want more kids when you already have some. But, here I am getting ready to do just that, despite the fact that, even today, I would have traded my daughter or two year old for a tall mug of hot chocolate...

Trust me, there are plenty of moments when I want to scream, "WHY DID I HAVE KIDS?????" Or when I say to my husband or my sisters, "Why am I doing this again??" But, there are more moments when I think to myself, "That's why I have kids, and am having more."

You often hear parents say, "I want to give my kids all the things I never had." Well, I want to give my kids the best of what I had and have, and one of those things is siblings! Life would have been so boring without them, and I would have way fewer funny stories to tell!

(Presently 12/20/12 - Yesterday, I got off the phone with my oldest brother, and he is just too funny. I got off the phone thinking how much I love my siblings. I was telling my older sister that a few hours later, and how people ask if we get along, etc. My sisters and I did not get along as children, but they are my besties now fo sho. In the past five years there has been one time that I had an issue with each sister, where I really did not like them very much... for a VERY BRIEF time period. And to our, or my, credit they were during very emotional/stressful times in our lives. I think that if we were to not get along or something our mother would haunt us from beyond. We are all different, and have different quirks, and we love each other because of them and in spite of them I guess. We like to run away together and love having our girl time! We laugh so much when we are together and I want my kids to have that same thing!)

I briefly worked for a caterer when we lived in Maryland. He was a middle aged man, and I was talking to him before an event, and I was telling him how I was a stay at home mom, and he said he thought that was wonderful, and then he told me that he and his wife only had one regret in life - that they didn't have more kids. They had three. I thought that was really interesting. He just went on and on about how he thoroughly enjoyed being a father, and most recently a grandfather for the first time.

I can not even imagine my life without my siblings. Each of them for different reasons. My siblings are all pretty awesome. I can brag about all of them for one reason or another and love them, and love being around them. And, sisters?!?!? I love my sisters, we have so much fun together. What would I do without my sisters? Especially after losing my mom. I want Mallary to have that!!

I feel like I'm creating the world that my kids are going to be living in.  I want them to have a built in support system of sorts with siblings. I feel like my sacrifice of headaches, bad days, etc. will pay off when I'm not around anymore and they need help, they will have each other to lean on. But, even now, I love seeing them turn to each other for help or comfort.

Last night, Jonah hurt his wrist or hand somehow and was in pain. Well, I sat on the couch ready to hold some ice on his hand, and Mallary jumped on the couch and said, "Here, Jonah, you can lean on me." He snuggled right against her, and she stroked his hair and kissed his head, and asked me to feel his forehead because he felt kind of hot, etc. There is just something so sweet about watching your kids love, protect, or help each other.

More than once, when Jonah has gotten hurt, he has gone to Mallary or Trevan for a hug of comfort before coming to me. I try not to let it hurt my feelings...

I'm not sure where we were when this happened, but one time, Mallary was totally scared of something. Who did she go and hide behind? Not me or John, but Trevan. It melted my heart just a little. I loved that she knew her brother would keep her safe. I just hope she always feels like that.

There is nothing that brings my kids closer together than a thunder storm...



Taken 8/14/2011 - We let them sleep together on the floor in our room during a thunder storm, and I thought this was very telling of their relationship - her brother letting her use him as a pillow.




Taken 9/2/2012 - The only way we could get them to go to bed during this storm, was if we let them sleep together in Mallary's bed. Safety in numbers I guess...

And more recently, last week, on a day that Jonah was sick, I look over and see Mallary had covered him up, snuggled up next to him and was rubbing his back and singing to him, and he fell asleep like that. It melts my heart, and makes up for those moments when I think I'm a horrible mom, and makes me think, "Well, at least I might be teaching them how to show comfort and love to someone..."

And so when strangers say to me, "Well, it looks like you sure have your hands full!" I should respond, "Yeah, and my heart is pretty full too."