Unpublished post from 2/25/11
I had a nightmare last night.
Not the "someone is out to kill me, and I'm going to die" kind, but something was definitely dying...
I was throwing a party. There were twenty couples.
I showed up to a church gym to start decorating. (Me, not the dream me, was like, 'why am I having a party in the gym?') But, it was already done! I just stood there and looked at everything... There was a gazebo, a torch lit runway, tables, chairs, and someone had set up their entire living room under the gazebo.
My thoughts while in the dream:
What????
Why are they doing everything?
Why is that there?
That shouldn't be there.
I didn't even think of doing that!
They should have put that over there... "Oh well."
And then, at that statement, 'oh well,' the me not in the dream, but the me having the dream, was like, "See? It isn't going to work." (I don't like to say 'oh well' at events I plan...)
The party progressed... or, I should say, digressed.
How come I didn't have any games planned? Everyone looks really bored. They decided to cancel the fashion show?? (This party was apparently also some kind of fundraiser.) How come they are deciding so many things? Hurry! Come up with a game! Why can't I think of any games?? What is wrong with me? What happened to the flow of the party?? Why didn't I plan better? Why are there so many candles??!! You can't have candles lit in the church! Hurry! Blow them out! BLOW THEM OUT! Help! Before someone comes in and sees them! I'm going to get in trouble!!
I blow out one tea light candle so hard the wax flies up in my face. I then see myself grabbing this tall man and pulling him over to the candles to blow out the ones I couldn't reach.
What is going on here???
While this dream was happening, Jonah woke up around five AM, but as soon as I closed my eyes again I had to get myself back to the dream to save the party. A little while later, both of our kids showed up by the side of our bed, wanting to snuggle. I moved over, and then closed my eyes again, I had to figure out what was going on with this party! Each time, I was able to get right back into the dream.
I never figured it out. I could feel the anxiety in my dream self's chest of trying to fix the party, and trying to figure out why I had planned so poorly...
Rewind...
A few weeks ago, on the day Mallary cut her bangs to her scalp, I was preparing for a baby shower that I was giving that night. The day before, I was making cake pops and while I was dipping them in the chocolate, Mallary decided to get a container out of the fridge, (despite the fact that I told her not to...) and open it because she wanted to see what was in it. After she dropped the contents ALL OVER THE FLOOR she figured out what they were; Jonah's pureed peaches.
I was dipping a cake pop in my right hand, while holding three cake pops in my left hand so they could harden just a little bit before standing them in the styrofoam. (I have an efficient system, okay?) So, number one, I couldn't stop the accident that I could see was going to happen, and number two, I couldn't give her a time out immediately, because, obviously my hands were full. I was so mad. So mad, being an understatement.
Later that same evening, I realized I had forgotten to buy little mini baking cups, I was completely exhausted from my day as a mother, and decided to forgo them, and bake little mini pound cakes anyway. They completely stuck to my pan. Ruined. Completely ruined.
The next day, the chocolate cake I made totally fell apart, and I had to glue it back together with icing... Later, I was in the middle of making fondant, when I heard Jonah upstairs. He had just woken up from his nap and was crying. I sent Mallary upstairs to give him his pacifier. If you've made fondant, you know it's a finicky process, and I wasn't going to screw it up! I had to finish it since it was already started, and I'd had enough mishaps already. I had told Mallary I would watch Cinderella with her, in my room, as soon as I had finished. I finished the fondant, put it on the cake, collected items to make the cake toppers while watching the movie with her, went up stairs, got Jonah, and went in my room where Mallary was waiting for me on the floor.
It didn't register at first.
Her hair looked funny. Her bangs seemed parted weird. Then I glanced over, saw my barber scissors in my bathroom floor, looked back to Mallary, and proceeded to have a melt down.
Rewind to that morning...
John totally slept in, Trevan had an awards ceremony that morning at school, the kids seemed kind of crazy, I had to shower, feed the kids, and get them, and myself ready all by myself. I was mad at John for not helping on that crazy morning, mad that I couldn't do my hair or make up, mad that there was no change for Trevan's ice cream money, and REALLY mad that Trevan was going to be late to school. I ran upstairs to put on my new shoes, and realized I hadn't taken the price tag off yet, grabbed my barber scissors and took care of it. I was in a hurry, and did not even think about putting them away, and what might happen if I didn't...
Fast forward to my melt down...
I was so upset. I immediately sent her to her room. I sat on the edge of my bed so upset. So, so upset. So... heart broken. But, not because Mallary cut her hair (okay, well, kinda), but mostly because I knew what had to happen; I couldn't do anymore parties.
None. No more. I just couldn't. That thought alone broke my heart. It did. It brought me to tears, okay sobs. It even makes me tear up now. I know there are people starving in other countries, and people fighting for their lives and their children's lives, and hearts breaking... I feel bad for feeling sorry for myself over something like this compared to what others are dealing with, but I was having a reality check, and the reality was completely breaking my heart.
The past few parties I have done, stuff like this with my kids has happened. And, when all of that has happened, in the back of my head, I heard a little voice, "you can't do this anymore..." I have really tried to ignore it... You would even think I wouldn't even be able to hear it with how loud my kids are. I tried to bargain with the little voice. What if I just keep the parties simple? That's what I've tried to do. The past few parties were very simple (to my standards, maybe not to someone else's), this shower also being way simple. The thing is, when it comes to parties I hate simple (my standard of simple...).
I love doing showers for people. I know how helpful they are to new moms, and a shower is something I can throw together with minimal time and effort. Well, that was before I had to stop and clean up my kid's messes, change diapers, fix hair cuts, and feed and entertain kids while cooking, decorating, and planning.
Now, I don't want you to think I resent my kids for this. I don't. I decided to be a mother. It was my choice. I don't regret it now, and I know I won't regret it in the future. I just wish I could live all of my dreams, all at the same time. Sure, I could work really, really hard, and sacrifice a lot, not sleep, and do it all. But, I would lose my mind. You would literally have to come visit me committed somewhere. You would. My relationships would suffer, the enjoyment that one should get out of life would be non-existent. Though imagining life without planning parties takes a little bit of my joy away...
You know that phrase, "not the time and season?" Well, I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
I occasionally check out real estate listings online to see if there are any places available to buy to open my own reception center. I found one a few months ago. I could so see the potential in this old house. It was gorgeous. I imagined the wedding receptions held there, the floor length white tablecloths on the tables, people gathered around the large windows, and milling about the front porch. It went under contract the next week. I was disappointed. I mean, I wasn't in a position to start that, but I was genuinely disappointed.
My "nightmare" last night was very telling. With a lot of the parties I have done or helped with in the last year, there was stuff I wanted to do for a party that would have made it fabulous, or really taken the party to the next level. But, I couldn't do it, because of various time, money, or other limiting factors. That really, really bothers me. When my name is attached to something, I want it to be something I'm proud of doing, proud of the results. It really bothers me when I don't like the results because of some of the limiting factors. I didn't like the mediocre results, and I didn't like that I could only give mediocre effort due to family stuff I had going on, taking care of my kids, running out of money, etc.
My dreams of owning an event center and planning fabulous parties were getting squashed. I have come to the point where my favorite dream was giving me bad dreams.
Fast forward to today, February 10, 2012 -
I never finished this post. I think I was tired of thinking about the things I couldn't do...
Monday of this week was a bad day for various reasons. I was on pinterest, and I clicked on a link of something someone made, and it just sent me over the edge. I was tired of seeing things on pinterest or on blogs of items that are making people money, items that I've been making for YEARS. Or seeing some of these blogs making money that are dedicated to cooking being praised, and shared for some secret ingredient - the same secret ingredient I've been using for YEARS and would one day share in my cookbook... I should be making money doing things I love!!! You pair a pity party like that with a bad parenting day, and having the little girl you baby sit to earn extra money pee in your van, and it equals a day with teary eyes.
On Tuesday, on a whim I went online looking for houses. Guess what I found? That house that I found over a year ago, back on the market for significantly less money... an added bonus? An empty lot for sale right next to it, perfect for a parking lot and gardens.
I went to see it...
My friend and realtor was surprised that the work that needs to be done on it didn't automatically scare me away.
Driving to see the house, I felt like I did on my first date with the first boy I ever loved. The butterflies were fluttering in my chest, I was nervous and excited.
I can still picture the wedding receptions there, the tables on the patio, the guests looking out the windows...
My heart beats faster...
But, is it the time and season?
I still hate that phrase...
You can see the above mentioned baby shower HERE. I still look at the pictures and... sigh... You can see the cake pops I made while Mallary dumped baby food all over the floor, and the cake I was covering with fondant as she cut her hair upstairs, the cake topper I made on my bed while in tears, and the cupcakes I made when my bundt cakes didn't work out. Good times... :)
I had a nightmare last night.
Not the "someone is out to kill me, and I'm going to die" kind, but something was definitely dying...
I was throwing a party. There were twenty couples.
I showed up to a church gym to start decorating. (Me, not the dream me, was like, 'why am I having a party in the gym?') But, it was already done! I just stood there and looked at everything... There was a gazebo, a torch lit runway, tables, chairs, and someone had set up their entire living room under the gazebo.
My thoughts while in the dream:
What????
Why are they doing everything?
Why is that there?
That shouldn't be there.
I didn't even think of doing that!
They should have put that over there... "Oh well."
And then, at that statement, 'oh well,' the me not in the dream, but the me having the dream, was like, "See? It isn't going to work." (I don't like to say 'oh well' at events I plan...)
The party progressed... or, I should say, digressed.
How come I didn't have any games planned? Everyone looks really bored. They decided to cancel the fashion show?? (This party was apparently also some kind of fundraiser.) How come they are deciding so many things? Hurry! Come up with a game! Why can't I think of any games?? What is wrong with me? What happened to the flow of the party?? Why didn't I plan better? Why are there so many candles??!! You can't have candles lit in the church! Hurry! Blow them out! BLOW THEM OUT! Help! Before someone comes in and sees them! I'm going to get in trouble!!
I blow out one tea light candle so hard the wax flies up in my face. I then see myself grabbing this tall man and pulling him over to the candles to blow out the ones I couldn't reach.
What is going on here???
While this dream was happening, Jonah woke up around five AM, but as soon as I closed my eyes again I had to get myself back to the dream to save the party. A little while later, both of our kids showed up by the side of our bed, wanting to snuggle. I moved over, and then closed my eyes again, I had to figure out what was going on with this party! Each time, I was able to get right back into the dream.
I never figured it out. I could feel the anxiety in my dream self's chest of trying to fix the party, and trying to figure out why I had planned so poorly...
Rewind...
A few weeks ago, on the day Mallary cut her bangs to her scalp, I was preparing for a baby shower that I was giving that night. The day before, I was making cake pops and while I was dipping them in the chocolate, Mallary decided to get a container out of the fridge, (despite the fact that I told her not to...) and open it because she wanted to see what was in it. After she dropped the contents ALL OVER THE FLOOR she figured out what they were; Jonah's pureed peaches.
I was dipping a cake pop in my right hand, while holding three cake pops in my left hand so they could harden just a little bit before standing them in the styrofoam. (I have an efficient system, okay?) So, number one, I couldn't stop the accident that I could see was going to happen, and number two, I couldn't give her a time out immediately, because, obviously my hands were full. I was so mad. So mad, being an understatement.
Later that same evening, I realized I had forgotten to buy little mini baking cups, I was completely exhausted from my day as a mother, and decided to forgo them, and bake little mini pound cakes anyway. They completely stuck to my pan. Ruined. Completely ruined.
The next day, the chocolate cake I made totally fell apart, and I had to glue it back together with icing... Later, I was in the middle of making fondant, when I heard Jonah upstairs. He had just woken up from his nap and was crying. I sent Mallary upstairs to give him his pacifier. If you've made fondant, you know it's a finicky process, and I wasn't going to screw it up! I had to finish it since it was already started, and I'd had enough mishaps already. I had told Mallary I would watch Cinderella with her, in my room, as soon as I had finished. I finished the fondant, put it on the cake, collected items to make the cake toppers while watching the movie with her, went up stairs, got Jonah, and went in my room where Mallary was waiting for me on the floor.
It didn't register at first.
Her hair looked funny. Her bangs seemed parted weird. Then I glanced over, saw my barber scissors in my bathroom floor, looked back to Mallary, and proceeded to have a melt down.
Rewind to that morning...
John totally slept in, Trevan had an awards ceremony that morning at school, the kids seemed kind of crazy, I had to shower, feed the kids, and get them, and myself ready all by myself. I was mad at John for not helping on that crazy morning, mad that I couldn't do my hair or make up, mad that there was no change for Trevan's ice cream money, and REALLY mad that Trevan was going to be late to school. I ran upstairs to put on my new shoes, and realized I hadn't taken the price tag off yet, grabbed my barber scissors and took care of it. I was in a hurry, and did not even think about putting them away, and what might happen if I didn't...
Fast forward to my melt down...
I was so upset. I immediately sent her to her room. I sat on the edge of my bed so upset. So, so upset. So... heart broken. But, not because Mallary cut her hair (okay, well, kinda), but mostly because I knew what had to happen; I couldn't do anymore parties.
None. No more. I just couldn't. That thought alone broke my heart. It did. It brought me to tears, okay sobs. It even makes me tear up now. I know there are people starving in other countries, and people fighting for their lives and their children's lives, and hearts breaking... I feel bad for feeling sorry for myself over something like this compared to what others are dealing with, but I was having a reality check, and the reality was completely breaking my heart.
The past few parties I have done, stuff like this with my kids has happened. And, when all of that has happened, in the back of my head, I heard a little voice, "you can't do this anymore..." I have really tried to ignore it... You would even think I wouldn't even be able to hear it with how loud my kids are. I tried to bargain with the little voice. What if I just keep the parties simple? That's what I've tried to do. The past few parties were very simple (to my standards, maybe not to someone else's), this shower also being way simple. The thing is, when it comes to parties I hate simple (my standard of simple...).
I love doing showers for people. I know how helpful they are to new moms, and a shower is something I can throw together with minimal time and effort. Well, that was before I had to stop and clean up my kid's messes, change diapers, fix hair cuts, and feed and entertain kids while cooking, decorating, and planning.
Now, I don't want you to think I resent my kids for this. I don't. I decided to be a mother. It was my choice. I don't regret it now, and I know I won't regret it in the future. I just wish I could live all of my dreams, all at the same time. Sure, I could work really, really hard, and sacrifice a lot, not sleep, and do it all. But, I would lose my mind. You would literally have to come visit me committed somewhere. You would. My relationships would suffer, the enjoyment that one should get out of life would be non-existent. Though imagining life without planning parties takes a little bit of my joy away...
You know that phrase, "not the time and season?" Well, I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
I occasionally check out real estate listings online to see if there are any places available to buy to open my own reception center. I found one a few months ago. I could so see the potential in this old house. It was gorgeous. I imagined the wedding receptions held there, the floor length white tablecloths on the tables, people gathered around the large windows, and milling about the front porch. It went under contract the next week. I was disappointed. I mean, I wasn't in a position to start that, but I was genuinely disappointed.
My "nightmare" last night was very telling. With a lot of the parties I have done or helped with in the last year, there was stuff I wanted to do for a party that would have made it fabulous, or really taken the party to the next level. But, I couldn't do it, because of various time, money, or other limiting factors. That really, really bothers me. When my name is attached to something, I want it to be something I'm proud of doing, proud of the results. It really bothers me when I don't like the results because of some of the limiting factors. I didn't like the mediocre results, and I didn't like that I could only give mediocre effort due to family stuff I had going on, taking care of my kids, running out of money, etc.
My dreams of owning an event center and planning fabulous parties were getting squashed. I have come to the point where my favorite dream was giving me bad dreams.
Fast forward to today, February 10, 2012 -
I never finished this post. I think I was tired of thinking about the things I couldn't do...
Monday of this week was a bad day for various reasons. I was on pinterest, and I clicked on a link of something someone made, and it just sent me over the edge. I was tired of seeing things on pinterest or on blogs of items that are making people money, items that I've been making for YEARS. Or seeing some of these blogs making money that are dedicated to cooking being praised, and shared for some secret ingredient - the same secret ingredient I've been using for YEARS and would one day share in my cookbook... I should be making money doing things I love!!! You pair a pity party like that with a bad parenting day, and having the little girl you baby sit to earn extra money pee in your van, and it equals a day with teary eyes.
On Tuesday, on a whim I went online looking for houses. Guess what I found? That house that I found over a year ago, back on the market for significantly less money... an added bonus? An empty lot for sale right next to it, perfect for a parking lot and gardens.
I went to see it...
My friend and realtor was surprised that the work that needs to be done on it didn't automatically scare me away.
Driving to see the house, I felt like I did on my first date with the first boy I ever loved. The butterflies were fluttering in my chest, I was nervous and excited.
I can still picture the wedding receptions there, the tables on the patio, the guests looking out the windows...
My heart beats faster...
But, is it the time and season?
I still hate that phrase...
You can see the above mentioned baby shower HERE. I still look at the pictures and... sigh... You can see the cake pops I made while Mallary dumped baby food all over the floor, and the cake I was covering with fondant as she cut her hair upstairs, the cake topper I made on my bed while in tears, and the cupcakes I made when my bundt cakes didn't work out. Good times... :)
2 comments:
I'll give you another phrase "carpe diem"! You are creative and talented and have so much to offer. The location is beautiful!
I pinned your food party post and within 20 min it got repin 20 times. I told Peter I have a list of things I would do if I weren't a stay at home mom so I know how you feel. I love being a mom but that doesn't mean I don't wish I could do it all
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