Losing

I've been thinking a lot about this whole parenting thing lately... Maybe it has to do with Trevan starting school. I'm going to group my thoughts into three parts for easier reading (and writing).

PART I: LOSING IT

A week ago today, was not a good day. Mallary crumbling up and throwing her chocolate cake all over the kitchen didn't help the situation, and neither did her peeing in the floor of her room. Trevan wasn't listening to me, Mallary wasn't listening to me, the house was a mess, I was trying to get stuff done, it was a BAD day...

That evening as we drove to my sister's house, I was still fuming. I sat in the front seat mentally writing a letter to my kids. It went something like this:

Dear kids,

Today was a bad day.

(Then I listed all the things they did that wasn't good, and all the things I needed to do, and why it was stressful. Then it turned in a different direction.)

I hope I'm still around when you have your own kids, and that I'm close by. If I am, and you're having a day like the day I had today, call me. I'll come over.

Love,

Mom

Then on Monday evening this week, I was so overwhelmed with it all. I didn't know where to begin with the one thousand things I had to do, with dealing with my children fighting, with dealing with getting them to listen to me, with their mess all around, making dinner, etc. etc. I sat down on the couch holding Jonah... and just sat there. I sat there and listened to Mallary and Trevan fight, watching them make a mess, wanting to do a lot of things, but I was just too tired to take any action. I didn't say a thing, I didn't respond to their bickering, or Mallary's whining. I just sat there.

I felt like I was suffocating. Maybe I didn't feel like I was suffocating, but the word popped into my head at the moment. The weight of it all was just too much. John came home, and I just sat there. We'd already discussed grilling for dinner, and luckily, he's a good man, and jumped to action. He had the kids straighten up, and he put dinner together.

It's like you've chosen your major in college, and went out and got your first job in that major, and it didn't turn out exactly how you had pictured it. You question yourself, "what was I thinking???"

I chose to be a mother. I chose to stay home with my kids. On days like those, I have to admit, I think to myself, "What was I thinking? "Am I going to make it?" "What am I doing wrong?"

Being a mother often requires one to have a perpetual pep talk in their head, "You can do this... It's only a phase... It will get better... "

It does get better... stay tuned for Part II