A Lamb to the Slaughter

We go to the hospital tonight to start my induction... I'm 39 weeks tomorrow.

When I went to the hospital for my scheduled induction with Mallary, as I followed the nurse down the hallway to my room, I told her what a weird feeling it was to be walking into the hospital, not in labor, to go have a baby. The thought that crossed my mind was I felt like a lamb to the slaughter.

When I was pregnant with Trevan I was so scared for the labor part. I had no idea what to expect, and was really nervous. You would think that with baby number three, the labor part wouldn't be very intimidating. But, I think it's even more scary. It's like, now, I really know all the things that could possibly go wrong, etc. etc. I'm a paranoid person by nature, and I'm just a little nervous...

Last night, I went upstairs to go to bed (12:45 AM), and John was lying on the bed reading. All of a sudden, I was like, "Hello? Not all the stuff on the to do list got done this weekend, why are you reading??" "You didn't even hang up the mirror or my ribbon holder." (Because, obviously it's imperative those things are done before one can have a baby...) John goes, "We are not going to bed at two AM just so we can clean." I told him, "I just can't bring myself to go to bed when there is so much to do!" I went downstairs and started cleaning, and finishing up emails I had to send, etc. So, I went to bed at 2:30... The final days of nesting...

It's hard to explain the feelings I have about having another baby - about going to get induced - about bringing another baby home - about the nervousness of labor - etc.

For me, motherhood takes me from moments of wanting to get my tubes tied (my feelings last Thursday and Friday), to priceless, precious moments of pure joy and love for my children. There are definite highs and lows, but I love my children so much, and wouldn't trade this experience for anything - no matter how often I try to give Mallary away... I kid (but, not really) with John about what he's to do if I were to die in labor or something. I think it's the saddest, most horrible, heartbreaking thought ever, but I'm a paranoid person remember?

I love my children so much and am so grateful to be their mother. Though those words don't seem adequate, they are the only words I can think of to describe how I'm feeling.

Over and out for a few days... or weeks... who knows? :)