Blogging Book Club

CHAPTER 13 - Flexibility - Adapt or Perish

“Changes in our life can be unpleasant, even frightful: the people we love may not love us as before; our professional competence is failing; our body is weakening; our products are no longer selling as they used to; friends who used to give warmth and support have forgotten us; the activities that once excited us now seem boring and empty.” (p. 183)

“Reality proceeds of its own accord, without considering our hopes and dreams.” (p. 183)

Change...

It may be hard. It may be easy. But, it is inevitable in every facet of our lives. Some people are more flexible in dealing with change; I don’t think I would be categorized as one of those people. I guess it would depend on what the situation was. I don’t think my family would categorize me as an easygoing person, but co-workers have always commented on how easy going I am, and I would like to think that generally, in most situations, I usually am.

When my mom died, it changed me. It changed our family dynamics. It has been catalyst to a lot of other change. Of course it does, death, especially an early death, usually does make that kind of impact. The only benefit I can say about a long-term illness, if there really is any benefit, is that it, in a way, prepares you for the change that is coming. Let me explain.

My mom spent the majority of the last years of her life, sick, weak, exhausted, and any other word like that you want to insert here. So, for the most part, she wasn’t doing her normal things, cooking her normal things, or participating in things as she normally would. I remember one Christmas as we were cooking; I had a sudden awareness of missing her presence in the kitchen. She was sleeping on the couch in the living room, and I remember thinking, while choking back some tears, that this was just a sign of times to come. Our lives were already different, and I realized that we might be being prepared for what it will be like in the years to come.

We knew she wouldn’t live forever, and that her death would come sooner than later. But, I feel like we had some time to prepare for that change, and even adjust to how it might be like when she wasn’t here.

Some change we can prepare for, like moving, or having a baby - but there is change we cannot prepare for, or even prepare ourselves for.

When you know you are going to lose a parent you naturally try to picture what your life may be like without them. For me, I pictured losing a best friend to call when only she would know the right things to say. I pictured delivering my future babies without one of my biggest cheerleaders being there. I pictured holidays and family gatherings missing a very important person. I pictured my children not having their grandmother on the floor playing with them or cheering them on in their endeavors with her trademark, “yaaaay!” Probably one of my least favorite things to picture was my father remarrying. That was something hard to picture, even though my mother told him she wanted him to, and told us she wanted him to. That picture, I always probably hoped wouldn’t happen, or if it did, it would be so far down the road that I would have time to make peace with it when it did.

Well, that’s one thing about change. Unfortunately, it doesn’t wait for you to make peace with it for it to happen.

There are about a thousand different changes that a change like this creates, and it’s not easy for me to be very “flexible” with it all.

“The work of Psychotherapy can be defined as the recovery, or the learning, of flexibility.” (p. 182)

Let me tell you, I think I need some therapy…

“In the face of continual change, Taoism suggests we be as adaptable as water, which flows over and around rocks, bending its shape to flow on. If we can let go of the beliefs we are most fond of, then we can open to the new, to paradox and the absurd.”(p. 183-184)

How hard is it to let go of beliefs we are most fond of, or your “normal” life, as you know it?? And, oh, how truly absurd it all seems – hence why flexibility can be somewhat of a challenge…

The author states that having a flexible attitude enables us “to let go of old models, and we become humble enough to start all over again.” (p. 184)

In losing a parent, and having another parent prepare to remarry, how hard do you think it is to let go of the “old model” of how your family life was and has always been, and then be flexible to have that all be gone and start with something new? Let me tell you, it’s hard.

That alone is hard, and there are a thousand other dynamics that come into play as well.

Every situation is different, and every person handles the situation differently, and it’s hard not to judge others on how they deal with their change.

When I consider change, ideally, it would be nice to ease into it – like I ease into a cold swimming pool. I rarely, ever, ever, jump into a cold swimming pool. Nor, do I want someone to force me into a cold swimming pool; and there is nothing worse than people splashing me with cold water as I’m trying to ease into the pool.

I think I handle change the same way; eventually I’ll get in the water, but don’t try to push me in, and don’t try to pull me in. Don’t try to talk me into it by telling me the advantages of the cold water (because really are there that many?), or entice me by how much fun the cold water is going to be when I get in. Let me get in the water when I’m ready and feel like it. You try to push me in, and we are going to have a problem.

I don’t sound very flexible, do I?

“Reality knows nothing of your plans, and it comes up with ever new ways to pester you. According to recent research, you are bound to meet twenty-three frustrations today (up from thirteen a decade ago). Will you fight or will you dance?” (p. 185)

I might fight; I might dance – depending on the situation.

Obviously, I need to do some stretching –

and then, maybe I’ll be more flexible.