Table for one

When I was living in Utah working for the American Cancer Society I usually went out to eat for lunch. If I didn't meet someone, I usually got lunch and bought it back to the office to eat. One day, I didn't feel like doing that. I didn't want to have to answer the phone while I was eating, help someone that came in, or talk to anyone. I was just going to order to go and eat in my car. I remember thinking, "You know what? I'm just going to go inside and sit down to relax and eat my lunch."

I had never eaten out by myself at a restaurant, and I was honestly a little nervous, maybe not nervous, but feeling like people were staring at me. "I wonder why she is eating by herself? Is she waiting on someone?" etc. I wanted to have a book to read or something to make it seem less sad? I don't know.

That experience was pretty empowering for me. Whats the big deal eating by myself? I don't need to have someone to eat with me. But, if I'm being honest, once I became pregnant with Trevan, I never thought twice about eating alone again. Obviously people could look at me and know I wasn't alone, that I had a friend, or at least a lover. Then, after I had Trevan I never went anywhere alone again, or thought twice about going somewhere by "myself." Then, I had two kids, and was never alone.

For mother's day, when Mallary was about 8 months old, John surprised me with a trip to Utah to visit one of my old college roommates, who's husband had also surprised her with a plane ticket to Utah. A trip with no kids.

Sitting in the airport that day, I had an epiphany of sorts.

I was sitting there, people watching; business man with laptop there, mother of three over there, someone texting someone over there, husband and wife over there, sisters sitting there, boyfriend and girlfriend in front of me, etc.

All of a sudden, I felt naked. I needed my kids. I was alone, people are going to think I'm just alone...

Then I mentally hit myself over the head.

Are you serious? You really need your kids to make you feel important? To show people that you have a place in this world?

I honestly could not believe I thought that. Like my kids were an accessory to help me be somebody, to have something to show for myself. Like, I was afraid to stand alone.

"So pathetic..." I thought. I honestly had some sort of awakening.

Did I only feel important if people knew I was a mother, or that someone else loved me? Oh my. My children do not define me. My husband does not define me. My friends do not define me. I mean, I guess you could argue, that in a way they do define me. They enrich my life. Mother, wife, friend, those are all roles I carry. But to let my children be what gives me confidence, what makes me feel important or part of something? No. I define me. My talents, my strengths; I can stand on my own two feet, not behind their four little ones.

Silly me.

I'm so glad my husband sent me on that trip, if not just to have that little epiphany. I hadn't realized I might have subconsciously been wearing my children like an expensive purse. I matter, and I'm important. My children matter, and they're important. Even though they are dependent on me to let them know that they matter and are important, doesn't mean I have to be dependent on them to show others that I matter and I'm important.