Blogging Book Club

Discussing: The Power of Kindness by Piero Ferrucci
Chapter 1: HONESTY - Everything Becomes Easier

picture found here

I'm a really good liar. I'm also a walking lie detector. Seriously. No, seriously. Lucky for you, or mostly me, I stopped lying a LONG time ago. But, my talent of being a good liar comes in handy when I am planning surprises and such.

You would think I would have learned my lesson in first grade. Our bus was almost at the Elementary School when I saw a man walking along the side of the road, my imagination took it from there. I'm not sure of the exact story I told everyone, but it had to do with a murderer, the man I saw walking along the road (which now had been walking along the road carrying a knife), and maybe someone escaping from jail... Needless to say, the story spread pretty fast before the first bell even rang, and my teacher, Mrs. Campbell, confronted me, found out the truth, and made me STAND IN FRONT OF THE CLASS AND TELL THEM I MADE UP THE STORY! Basically announcing to everyone that I was a big, fat liar! Pretty traumatic for a first grader.

Did that stop me? No, of course not. Later on, I'm not sure what grade it was, but still Elementary School, (I'm a little bit embarrassed to type this...) I might have passed around a story to a few friends that I found out Santa wasn't coming to my house that year, and that I wouldn't be getting any presents. (you know, trying to get some extra presents that year) Well, a concerned friend told their parent, who in turn was concerned as well (so nice, right?) and showed up at our house one night with presents. My mom was totally like, "What????" I can still picture her talking to the mother at the door and looking back at me with question marks in her eyes. The mother told my mom what my friend had said, and I was sooooo embarrassed.

Sometime in high school I decided I never wanted to tell another lie. It was about the same time I decided I was never going to speed again. The anxiety of making it home in time for curfew and the thought of showing up with a speeding ticket was just too much to bear, needless to say I never made it home on time... I remember one of the last lies (not exaggeration, though that's a technically a lie too...) I told my parents. I was going to sleep over at my friend's house, but her parents weren't home, but I told my parents that they were. I didn't do anything bad, we just stayed later at someone else's house than we would have otherwise, but all night I thought my dad was going to show up at my friend's house and find out my lie. It was pretty stressful for me. Needless to say, I did not sleep well that night.

Lying makes our body experience stress. You know, what lie detectors sense. "Computerized scanning of cerebral activity shows that when we lie, our brain has to carry out a series of complex operations that are needless when we tell the truth. The scientist who invented this method maintains that the brain tells the truth "by default" - meaning that we are programmed to be sincere." (p. 18) Have you ever told a lie, and then had to tell ten others to make sure that lie seemed true? It's pretty stressful. The author in this book talks about how we think it is often easier and more comfortable to tell a lie, but it's just the opposite. "Yet it is falsehood that in the long run is more difficult and complicates our life." (p. 17)

Have you ever watched Seinfeld? One night while watching it with John I realized something, almost every show was partially about some lie George Costanza told, and how he had to tell twenty other lies to cover up that one lie. Seriously. I decided I probably couldn't be friends with George Costanza. Lying is one of my biggest pet peeves! As I mentioned before I am a pretty good lie detector; I am sure I am not always aware when someone is lying to me, and I've tried to be better about giving someone the benefit of the doubt, but I usually know, or find out, or catch someone in a lie. It's pretty disappointing. Any relationship is built on trust, if someone is going to lie to me about something stupid and small, how can I trust them with important things? That relationship will not be a strong one, because I won't be able to trust that person fully.

I am honest, and I want my children to be honest. I want to be able to tell someone, "You can trust me, I'm probably one of the most honest people you know." It's important to me. So important to me, that about a year ago I was asked a question and answered with a lie to a friend's face. It might have seemed like an insignificant lie, but I was so disappointed in myself. The next day, I felt so stupid and wanted to cry as I asked for her forgiveness. She didn't think it was a big deal, but it was huge to me, and I wanted her to know she could trust me, and know that anything coming out of my mouth would be the truth. So, she knows how serious I am about lying, serious enough to humiliate myself in telling her that I had told her a lie. "Lying has a thousand faces, the truth, only one." (p.24)

I know, sometimes I may be too honest with my feelings. I have asked my husband more than once, "do you wish I wasn't so vocal?" He replies that he likes that he never has to wonder what I am thinking, or why I am upset. I think it's very important to be honest and address an issue one may have rather than pretend it's not there, and hope it goes away. "To be honest also means to recognize a problem rather than to pretend there is none." (p.23) I think it is also important to show people our feelings, and especially our children our feelings. I don't think it is very honest to give our children a false impression that we don't get upset with each other, etc. "I realized how weak and awkward we are when we try to hide our feelings. And how important it is, within limits of tact and good taste, to be honest and freely show what we feel and who we are." (p.25)

I think the most important part of honesty is being honest with ourselves. Being true to who we are, and showing who we really are to others. I like to surround myself with "real" people. Those that are dishonest with me, are also being dishonest with themselves, afraid to let themselves be who they really are. I think we are often afraid to show our true selves, to be our true selves. I love this part from the book... "Honesty allows us to look into someones eyes and through them into the heart, because there is no veil, no fiction. It allows us to let ourselves be seen - and look back without averting our eyes... to look with unflinching eyes into our inner world and not turn away. As Polonius says in Hamlet, 'This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.'" (p.18-19)

The author talks about false kindness not being honest. Saying 'yes' when we really want to say 'no.' "If kindness has falseness at its base, it is no longer kindness. It is a labored courtesy. It does not come from the heart, but from a fear of sticking one's neck out, of provoking strong reactions, or of facing accusation and argument. What do you prefer - genuine kindness, ready to tell the uncomfortable truth? Or the politeness of someone who avoids confrontation, declares himself to be having fun when he is bored, says yes when he means no, and smiles when in agony?" (p.20) I'll take the genuine kindness. I know people that are VERY honest maybe borderline abrasive to some, (maybe I am that person to someone else), but I don't mind it, because I know they are honest, and I know what is coming out of their mouth is honest. I appreciate it. I can do without the "labored courtesy." (Isn't that a great term?)

I loved this chapter, maybe because lying is one of my pet peeves, and we are currently trying to teach Trevan not to lie right now (yes, he's started this young, he must have gotten my genes). Sure, I knew being dishonest isn't being kind, but I never thought about the fact that to be truly kind, you have to be honest. I loved the last paragraph in the book, so I'm going to close with that too.

"Thus, not only is honesty compatible with genuine kindness, it is the very basis of kindness. False kindness pollutes. As long as you are not living in the truth, you cannot really communicate with others, you cannot have trust, you cannot relate. As long as you do not call the hard realities by name, you are living in the land of dreams. There is no room for you and me there, but only for harmful illusions. Inasmuch as we lie, we live a life devoid of reality. And kindness cannot exist in a world of masks and phantoms." (p.26)